18 units this semester....... I'm extremely intimidated!! The most units I had ever taken was 14 units. This is a big jump... But I KNOW I can do it if I put my mind to it!!! Dan Tam. YOU CAN FUCKING DO IT!! I just need to put my mental into that mindset.

After talking to Lan tonight, I feel SO inspired by her motivation and dedication for her extracurricular activities. Going BEYOND the minimum. Exactly what Ira tells me to do!!! I really need to get into that mindset... I REALLY NEED TO!!! WHAT AM I DOING!?

I need to start training myself starting TODAY. I have.... 3 days to prove to myself that I can work hard.

I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET NEW AND INTERESTING PEOPLE!!! I am determined to meet and become really good friends with at least 1 AMBITIOUS, INSPIRING and SUPER INTERESTING individual this semester.

I went flatlining this morning with Trevor over at Lake Park.  So fucking difficult, I need to go on handicap mode (hold onto trevor's shoulders) to get onto the actual rope. The longest I can balance on it is probably around 5 seconds and the most steps I can take was  BARELY 2, 1 to be completely honest. It's pretty fucking mindblowing once I actually realized that I was STANDING on a fucking thin ass rope. It trips me out! But it's super cool! I'm really glad Trevor convinced me to go flatlining with him! He even gave me a a bundle of bananas. Ahahahahaha....... Kewl shit, kewl shit! Need to strap down tonight and do some reading. I have been SUPER unproductive this week.

He's a really cool friend to have around, he calls me out on all my bullshit excuses and everything. I feel like I'm going to learn a lot from him!  He's a total sage. I also learn a shit ton whenever I listen to him talk! Definitely one of the coolest peoples I know!

Spontaneously took Kenny out to eat Pho today.
HAHAHAHA, I can't believe I actually did it.

I told myself a month ago that I would take his cute ass to Pho one day.
And wow, I was kind of giving up at first. But after his status of "will wash car for Pho", I thought I slightly got it. And then now, after I decided to post on his wall, "Am I allowed to objectify you", the convo ends in me taking him out to pho.

HAHAHA he was probably caught by complete surprise once he found out I was completely serious.

Now for him to wash my car later on today......... Or Monday.........

He's actually a very sweet and smart guy! Despite his aesthetic and demeanor, he's really fucking chill! And hilarious as FUCK!! AHAHHA

"Stop being a fuckin' alien!!!"

Never thought I'd actually do this............... DAMN. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

CONFIDENCE BOOST 100+

I want a picture with him.

I feel like such a shallow bitch...... It disgusts me.

Nobody wants to be alone.
The heart beats happy when it has a place.
And if it doesn't have a home
It can come into my space.

So you can be the one I love.
I can be the one you long for.
You can be the one I want... want.
And you can be the one I love.
This could be our world wide open.
You can be the one I want... want.

When you've fallen for someone
But that someone doesn't feel the same.
But before you come undone
You can call out my name.

So you can be the one I love.
I can be the one you long for.
You can be the one I want... want.
And you can be the one I love.
This could be our world wide open.
You can be the one I want... want.

(So you can be the one... one one one
I can be the one... one one one
So you can be the one... one one one
I can be the one... one one one)

So you can be the one I love.
I can be the one you long for.
You can be the one I want... want.
And you can be the one I love.
This could be our world wide open.
You can be the one I want... want.

Audiotistic was a blast last night. Simon is a really cool guy. I really don't want to hurt him.
I also find it really strange how eerily parallel our lives/personalities are.

Anyway, I don't know, not to think too much into the future, but I kind of have a feeling that I'd drop every guy for Adam..... I don't know... We'll see.

On a lighter note, I think I should invest in a Disneyland pass. 
I would use Disneyland as a place to escape and hide in whenever I'm feeling anti-social.

I've been feeling really unproductive these past 3 days... Need to work on the Spreadsheet.
Need to set some time out to ride. I don't want to be hanging out with friends everyday.
I also get really fucking irritated whenever I tell my friends I'm not able to hang out and then they'd freak out on me and get mad or complain. I hate having to stop my momentum.  It's so hard to get it rolling, but once it's rolling, it's all smoothness from there.

Learning another foreign languages is a skill that I can hone by myself that can get me to places really easily.
Imagine myself... Fluent in 6 languages and putting that down on my resume...
I KNOW that I have the ability to do so, I just need to learn how to FOCUS and FOLLOW THROUGH.
I'm going to try really hard to focus on Mandarin....  Cherry's friend from Humboldt, Matthew is an inspiration! Fluent Mandarin in 6 MONTHS. Wow. That is pure inspiration and motivation right there.


Languages to Learn:
- Chinese (Mandarin) ****
- Arabic
- Spanish
- Korean
- Latin

What to do by the end of this summer:
- Apply for organizations that Ira recommended
- Volunteer
- Read "Irony of Democracy"
- Re-read certain chapters from Poli Sci textbook
- Practice my Chinese

I plan on being popular and well loved all around.
Using that title and reputation of mine to inspire people and motivate them to be productive and helpful, loving members of their community.

I think I should start by building my name through youtube.
I can definitely do it. I already have almost 700 subscribers...
That's a nice start. Right?

CamCam called me again! Iono.... I am somewhat suspicious of his motives!
He told me that I was mind blowing and an amazing person when I asked what he thought of me as a person.
He said I was selfless, amazing, wonderful person!  I want to ask him what made him think I was a selfless person. I will save that for when I see him in real life next weekend!

He's a total cutie though.... Says that at the moment he really wants to cuddle with me...
Aww man what the hell....... ;__; That makes my heart skip a beat...... I want to cuddle with him too.....

I'm not quite sure why he's all of a sudden pursuing me.... I suspicious....... But yesh, must think in the present, "be here now, be here now, be here now".

Okay seriously though, I feel really fucking bad right now....  I had 3 guys on my plate... And if Cammy is added it will be 4...... Adam, Simon, Ivan........ What the heck!!! They are all really good people. But so far Adam is #1 because I know that he loves me and knows me the most! I also love him and know him the most!

But le sigh.... I'm not into committed relationships or anything of that sort at the moment... I want some time to explore and see what kind of guys out there. To be honest being in that 3 year relationship with Alex fucking scarred me for life... Knowing that I missed out on so many opportunities.. I don't want to feel that way again.... Want to feel completely free at the moment....... Because I know that once I get into a relationship I am strictly monogamous.... No joke!! And I'm not even forcing myself either, I just....get into that mode.

I don't want to break any hearts.... What to do... What to do... I am a fucking horn dog though and I am severely lacking affection............. So I feel like I'm going to pounce on the guy the gets physically closest to me.... If Adam was out of jail it would definitely be with him.... But at the same time, I don't want to ruin the relationship that we have at the moment....!! It's good the way it is!!

Gosh, when Simon was dancing with me...... I got really aroused..... He definitely knows how to touch.... He didn't touch my private no no areas, just my thighs and stomach and we were holding hands at short points in the night! Eeeeeeh... Wanna do it again but to music that we can actually properly dance/grind to.  I feel that we were both nervous and went a bit too fast and didn't go very well to the music. Fucking dumb........ Perhaps I shall invite him to Cantina tomorrow? Iono.

Gosh damn it Dan Tam. Why the fuck do you have so many guys at the moment...... @_@ You never asked for this or want any of this.... But I guess I have to make do with it and see how things go with them...

Oh my goodness... I feel like I really need to go and see Ritha and see how things are... That's $25 right there.. It's okay............ I just got my check.... It will be a good investment I think.

Kinda sad and mad that Thu won't fucking hit me up when she's free to hang out with me. She's not making the effort, I'm the only one initiating.... But I guess she's the type where people have to initiate to hang out with her nowadays.....

Whatevers, I'm just living life, trying to be a good girl. Need to do TWICE the work on my spreadsheet for tomorrow because I didn't get around to doing it today. I'm a BAD GIRL!!!

I would also like to be thankful and grateful for this life of mine..... I am so grateful and feel very lucky to be so fortunate.... With every aspect of life....

They stare at me while I crave you.......

Found a picture I drew from literally over 10 years ago.....




"ROBOCHU"

Harlan - Computer Games Under the Sun

My first solo attendance Dubstep show. 

LA BEATDOWN: AJAPAI @ THE MUSIC BOX ; JULY 16, 2011

I don't know why but Cam wanted to talk on the phone. I came home at 2:40AM from the Zeds Dead show at House of Blues.  They are fucking SICK. I just fucking hated how I was in front of big people the whole time, and I was surrounded by girls (afraid of hurting them because I'm really aggressive but I eventually stopped giving a fuck and did my own thing).

We talked for about 40 minutes on the phone. That's the longest conversation I had on the phone with a guy since.... I don't even know.  I didn't even talked to Alex that long on the phone (our phone calls weren't even conversations, it was just like stupid little comments and stupid silences).

I learn a lot from Cam. I really love how free-spirited he is. He'd make a great and really cool friend.
Don't think I'd ever hook up with him again. I just can't....... The most I'd do is make out, but nothing more... I just can't.

Just realized today that I can't do more than make out with flings.  I don't think I can actually have sex with them.  I just can't.  I can't have sex with a lot of different guys. It has to be consistent, a fuck buddy is good.  I just don't want to get attached or have them get attached to me.

Cam is good at conversing on the phone, it's just, he mumbles a lot and it's hard to hear at times so I have to keep on having him repeat what he said... I don't like asking people to repeat because I feel like they'd get annoyed, but he says that he's used to it and doesn't mind.

I'm sad, today (technically yesterday), I don't know how I even feel about Ivan.  I'm really scared of him.... Not like, OMG HE'S GOING TO KILL ME type of scared. I just, I don't know. After our hangout I feel like my impression of him and how much of an altruistic person he is, is shattered........ I don't like how he talks shit about his friends.  I wonder if he tells them to their face that the stuff they do bother him... It makes me wonder if he's a big fake or not.  I wonder if HE uses me as a distraction? I don't know. I would rather not have him talk to me ever again if he's only using me as a distraction. It would really hurt to find out that he doesn't really like hanging out with me and is only using me for his entertainment. He says that he's sick of his friends and finds them unpleasant most of the time.  He only hangs out with them when he wants to feel a certain mood, and even then the time he hangs out with them is limited.  I just hope that I'm not one of those friends.

Wow, I dunno. It really helped me out, having a conversation on the phone with Cam. Now I'm not really scared of talking on the phone.  I'm more confident on the phone!!! How exciting!!!  It's going to be easier to talk with most people because they don't mumble or have a stutter. Woah... I'm going to thank Cam tomorrow afternoon!! Even though I barely got to hang with him, I learned a LOT of good lessons from him.

1. Don't give a fuck (free-spirited)
2. Fuck being too cool for shit
3. Try/Do shit that you're not good at or have never tried 
4. It's not so scary to talk to people on the phone

Wowow CamCam! Thank you!

I wonder what influence he was under when he called me today....

Cam is really cool, I want to be a good friend with him!!
He's a total sweetheart one on one. He's kind of a douchebag among groups.


I'm going to call Ivan up tomorrow and talk to him on the phone and ask him about himself!!

Adam:

7-19-11

PS- been finkin... haven't been laid in 19 months. but what if I did? I probably wouldn't have gotten close to anyone, still.  I mean like, what would I have to for it anyways? what does it matter? they would fade away upon me going to jail anyways... no one stays carin for me over a period of months... thank you for bein my friend [Once Again Dubstep Remix] like really, I'm so grateful to have you in my life. It's so fucking worth my recent lack of sexy just to have met you, Dan Tam.  You're worth more than abstinance in the aphex of sexual gratification in a growing pubescent boiiiiii!!!!!!! You're my baby no matter what...

Oh Adam!!! This made me feel so warm and pleasant!!!  You will always have a special place in my heart no matter what!

Once I save up the money, I'm going to get out a map of europe, close my eyes, and randomly place my fingers on a random spot on the map (if it happens to land on the ocean I'll do it again until I hit land).  I will go there.  Okay, perhaps a map of just western europe, because eastern europe is a bit too hardcore for me, I'm still a newbie.

Katarina is an inspiration!! She is backpacking and couchsurfing in Paris at the moment! Gosh, so spontaneous and adventurous! She's one of the most beautiful girls I've met both inside and out! So down to Earth. She is SO COOL!!!!!

I must enjoy life and live in the present!!

I feel that Ivan is some kind of guardian angel for me..... (guarding me from having the mindset of an irresponsible teenager). Oh, the perfect word to describe him is that he's similar to being my conscience!

A muse that I look to that keeps me in line without even telling me to stay in line.

It's the thought of him that makes me not want to drink and get shit faced.
I keep on hearing him in the back of my head saying "I can have fun without drinking".

This is what I learned from getting drunk for the first time (this is an excerpt of my response to Ira):
It is very true, I got drunk for the first time a couple of weeks ago (yes a couple of weeks ago.... it took me that long), and I now understand why my peers are so addicted to that feeling... It's very fun when you don't think and just do whatever idea that comes to the top of your head (hopefully it's nothing retarded). But it's also really dumb at the same time. Also, I notice that a lot of people depend on the feeling of drunkenness because it makes their "confidence levels" increase because they give less of a fuck when they're drunk and they're more sociable. I feel sorry for these people who have to depend on being drunk to be able to socialize with others... It must be a very sad life...... I try really hard not to become dependent on anything (it scares me to be dependent on things).

And after yesterday's conversation on the phone, it's him that inspires me to do productive things this summer for my resumes/application for college.

I'm so fucking happy that he's got an interview with Kaplan for a tutor position and that he will be working on a Youtube series teaching..I forgot what he was going to be teaching but still! He's doing stuff to put on his grad school resume! I'm so fucking proud and happy for him!!!!! He's so fucking cool!!!

I really like him.....

I feel so lucky to have met him!!

Ivan, Cherry, Adam, Nathan and Thu are my muses all in different aspects of life.
People who I have the utmost respect for.

I'm so lucky...... The world fucking loves me....

Wise words from a stranger.

*guy sees me texting during ajapai*
"Live in the present! Fuck your friend's problem!!"

I'm trying really hard to live in the present. Is it okay to live in the present AND have responsibilities at the same time?

I went all the way up to Hollywood by myself yesterday to attend LA BEATDOWN to see Ajapai.
I was really nervous and intimidated at first, but I ended up making friends with these 2 awesome people!
Tifa and Angel! Oh my god. TIFA WAS SO ADORABLE!!!! I love how fucking feisty she is!!!!
She's able to pull off the short boy cut! She makes it looks SUPER cute!

Anyway, met up with Justin, wasn't feeling it at all. I see him more of as a father figure (in a weird way).
I can tell he wanted to dance with me, put his hand on my waist and was tapping his fingers to the music, but I turned around and told him no.  He would stand behind me and made sure none of the moshers ricocheted in my direction by pushing them away before they came over to me.

I'm really lucky, I always somehow find people at events that help me out! I'm really grateful for all of them for watching out for me and everything. :)

Mama saw me coming home at around 2:30 last night (technically morning)...
And didn't say anything. I think she has come to terms that I can be responsible for myself, or at least she's not as uptight.

I will come home and cao gio her tonight.

DO IT TAM. YOU BETTER DO IT.

Ivan inspires me to be more family oriented. Same as Adam.
I think this might be some kind of sign...............

Anyway, I'm trying my hardest to live in the present.

I LOVE LIFE!

P.S: Sad that he hasn't texted me yet......... I just hope he doesn't drop me out of nowhere.  That would really hurt me.  He's probably busy hanging out and spending time with his family! So I'm happy with that. He has his priorities straight. That's really attractive!

Failed house of blues mission at downtown Disney. Crashed at Cammy's house with all the rest of the gals.
Late night visits to central park at 2AM and running through sprinklers. Late night walks back to the mama's pad in the empty streets with Cam. Good talks about parenting and living life. Source Code movie was a total fail. Everyone knocks the fuck out. Also, failed hooks.  Impressions of Family Guy after wards. Learned a lesson about sleeping over. Waking at 5AM.  Mama's hella mad, probably thought I was somewhere far away. Which I wasn't. I was in HB the whole time.  Was just too tired to drive home, didn't want to die driving home.  Wanted to sleepover. Was it a bad move? Nah, I learned a lesson from it though. Learned something important about myself and people and certain situations.

Going to the beach at 1AM and pulling COD shit, hiding from the beach patrol by laying in the sand and rolling the fuck around it with Nathan as our commander in chief.

Sneaking into Hy4TT jacuzzis at 2AM and actually SWIMMING in our underwear after merge........
WOW. TOO DOWN.

So happy that Nathan and Cherry are super down people. I wouldn't have done it without them.
Oh god, I would be way too fucking scared and pussy to do so.

What an interesting night....... And I was completely sober! YEEEEEAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Now I'm hungry as fuck. Going to wake up early and eat cereal and fucking bounce it to west court for Adam's appearance.

EEEEE!! CAN'T BELIEVE N8 DAWGY IS BACK DOWN!!!!
I WAS FUCKING SQUEALING ALL DAY.

Cherry inspires me to have more sex appeal!

I will have the sex appeal to initially lure people in....... and then BAM, they get hit with my normal not so sex appealing side.

They have the choice to either take it or leave it!

I don't give a fuuuuuck. It's their loss if they choose to leave an awesome individual like me! ;)

July 03, 2011; 3:38PM


IS: So I kind of miss you
DT: Kind of? Le gasp! ;) I will be seeing you soon, this week yes?
IS: Sure thing
IS: Your le gasp made me laugh

I started freaking the fuck out when I got this text from him!
I remember one of my texts nearing the end saying, "Danni enjoys Ivan's company very much. But is afraid of telling him that she misses him too." Which he replied back with, "Don't be scared :)"

Man, Ivan is the sweetest and most gentlemanly guy I've met thus far!  I also realize yesterday that he's the only one so far that I have respected so much as to not to view in any kind of objectifying way.

Most guys that I have seen, all I do is objectify them.  Women objectifying men is usually unheard in normal conversation but that shit happens. Women use men for sex too.  And it's sad. But that's life, I guess.

But, I DON'T WANT TO GO "WITH" LIFE (HOW THINGS ARE), ALL THE TIME.
FUCK THE WAY THINGS ARE!! I WANT TO GO MY OWN WAY!!!

I will just "go with life" for awhile and then slowly make an impression and start my own path, people can choose to follow it if they'd like! I don't give a fuuuuck!

It's sad how I have to put up a front that I'm somewhat normal to lure people into getting to know me.

Eh, whatevez. I guess I just gotta lure them in with the notion that I'm at least somewhat normal, and then full on blast them with who I really am the next time I'm with them.

Wearing makeup to social gatherings....... I feel that it's kinda fake putting up the front that I look a certain way, when I really don't, naturally. MEH. WHATEVER. I will start with makeup and transition slowly from there.

Gotta boost my confidence levels a couple notches up, yee yeeeee!

Steffi and Cherry had a party last night over at Steffi's house. I knocked the fuck out from 6pm - 10pm. Wasn't feel good, felt like puking because I puked in the morning and all. But I woke up alright, slight headache. Ate an apple and felt a SHIT ton better. THANK YOU GREEN APPLE.

Realized that it's okay to invite people that don't know other people at the party. I invited James Bond because I felt like we needed more people.  Was afraid that he wouldn't get along with people because they wouldn't know each other. Lots of respect for him and his friends for just going around and talking to people.   Not making shit awkward.  I want to be like that. Just go to a party where I don't know anybody and start talking to them.

I hate how towards most of peers, I have to wear makeup for them to notice me or want to talk to me (boys, mostly). I fucking refuse to do that shit though. If you don't want to approach me or think I'm attractive without makeup then, FUUUUUCK you! I don't want to associate with you bitches!

Anyway, I was the only person sober (except for steven and ngoc) who was sober. EEEK! I'm super proud of them.  I probably would have more fun if I drank, but NO! I refuse to do so!!!! I will get used to parties sober, and THEN I will socially drink occasionally or whatever.  I don't want to be reliant on alcohol to have fun. FUCK NO!!!

I need to go to more parties....... Sober.  Just so I can put myself in more awkward situations. So I will learn how to easily handle these types of situations in the future.  YEEEAH!! TRAINING!!!!

I feel like designing my own t-shirts (clothes). It all looks so fucking easy.
I bought this crop trop from nikkilipstick for $25 and it was NOT even worth that much.
I was expecting a lot more for the quality. It's all hyphy shit anyway.

I think I can do WAY better for $20!

Probably going to have Xiu promote it!

I kind of seriously want to relive the past 1.5 weeks again. Seriously.

I had never been SO happy in my life.

Alex (June 22, 2011; 2:11PM): I have something to share with you, re-reading and rethinking about our relationship has brought up this old horrible feeling. 
I know I was your first serious relationship, and that you didn't really know what was going on most of the time psyche-wise, but you HAVE To bond with your partner. (I am not saying we didn't bond, I am saying we could've bonded better)
Something you have a hard time with is connecting on THEIR emotional or mental level. Bond with them, not over activities or silly dates (we did tons of that), bond with them emotionally, sit down, take their hand, and talk. just TALK, talk about their feelings, force them to share themselves.
We never did it, but I know I would've been a lot happier if we did. Something I felt throughout the entire thing was that you didn't care enough to try to reach deeper into me, into who I was. Now, I know that this isn't completely true, and there are factors that may change everything, such as my not completely being open with you, and that you not knowing what to say.
But you have to do it, you have to force it. "I shouldn't have to pressure you into sharing with me..." You're right, you SHOULDN'T have to, but sometimes you just do, sometimes, with some people, you just need to push a little bit for whatever reason. Life isn't set in stone, there's no perfect line to say to anyone, because everyone is generally different.
I don't know, I'm just going to incorporate this into future relationships, you might not have to, since you might meet a partner who's PERFECT at doing this. 
Point is, you suck at it, work at it. It's important, I guarantee you, if you succeed, you and that lucky person will be all the happier.

Wow, I was completely caught by surprise by this message from Alex.  He really does care about me.... I never thought I'd ever see him saying something of this nature to me.  It's something that is actually for my sole benefit and not for his.

I wish for  his the utmost happiness. He's talented. He'll find the perfect girl.

DT: Happy fathers day, ba!
Daddy: Ok,good daugter , try the best if DAN TAM can do (okay, good daughter try the best you can do)
DT: Ca mon ba! I love you very much!
Daddy: Ok

OH MY GOD!! I think I'm going to cry... I almost teared up getting the first text from my daddy!!! He is a man that rarely ever shows affection.  He seems very cold but I know that he loves us all!!! Oh god... I knew it was a good idea to text my daddy, happy father's day!! Ahaha I hope he shows it off to his friends and I hope all of his friends are jealous that their daughters or sons don't text them.

In this culture people value youth, and the ability to be able to be up to date with technology is a sign of youth and being up to date with modern society.  Being able to text is one of those things.  Not many adults are able to text with their phones efficiently, but those that do are revered as being tech savvy (or at least tech savvier than most of their peers).

Children are usually very distant to their parents (or at least try to distance themselves away from their parents), in means of independence.  To be frank, children nowadays (my peers) would usually almost never text their parents unless they want something from them.  So me texting my father, something of somewhat sentimental value (even though texting is so impersonal) means a lot.

MYAAAH!! I'm so happy!! I really want to make daddy feel loved.... I feel that he feels left out because  me, gh, and chi uyen don't ever really show affection towards daddy.  I showed him affection on his birthday by giving him a big hug and then I showed him affection by making him give me a kiss on the cheek before I left gh's graduation dinner to head off to fry's to by a charger for my camera!

EEE! Happy! Must show daddy more affection and reassure him that he is loved!!!

I went to the one of the best parties I had ever been to in my life (haven't been too much) but it was the first party I had attended that I had actually really fucking enjoyed.  I don't like the crowd there but the ambiance and atmosphere was EXACTLY the type that you see in those hipster indie movies.  There was a live dj from socal (fullerton) that supposedly played at low end theory, playing in the garage of the house.  I'm sad that the party ended early because the cops rolled in at around 12... FUCK! It was so awesome while it lasted though.  The garage was dimly lit by this awesome purple and blue smoky galaxy lighting on the ceiling spotted with green dots.  Gosh the whole atmosphere was amazing.

Also, I haven't been drunk at all yet, I've only been really buzzed'ish.  But it's all good, I'm having a lot of fun with Nathan and his friends! Everyone is super nice and chill, I love it!!!

Nathan takes good care of me!

Hung out with Ivan today.  He's such a gentleman.  That is really rare nowadays.
I actually don't know any genuine gentlemen.  He's a first.

He's a really good guy. Met up with him at Paris Baguette at 12PM.
He bought me a pastry thingy. He pays for everything, I'm not used to it at all.

We sat and talked for awhile, he showed me a video of why he thought hockey was beautiful.
We played this one GRE Analogy Quiz App on his phone.  It was really fun actually.
I think it's really really cool how we're able to do these kinds of things and enjoy it.
Talking to him has been very mentally stimulating.

I really love the mix cd he gave me the first time we hung out. I gave him my mix cd for him today, I burned it over at the bakery last minute.  BUT, rest assured, I put in a LOT of effort and time in making that playlist.  A couple days actually.  It wasn't a last minute, I will give him, THIS THIS THIS AND THIS.  I actually thought about it and revised and edited the playlist a couple of times.  I also positioned the songs so that they transition well, so it doesn't come off as abrupt changes in moods/tempos/genre.  Gotta make it flow and coherent.

We had 'til 3PM to do whatevers because the public rink doesn't open up until then.  Oh yeah, he was about to ask me if I wanted to go rock climbing but then he saw the outfit I wore today and was like, "LOL oh yeah no, we can't go rock climbing".  So we decided upon ice skating, of which I was VERY scared of.  I didn't want to make a fool out of myself and fall all over myself.  I haven't skated in FOREVER, I didn't want to look like a retard. But things turned out very well.

Anyway, after Paris Baguette, he decided to "kidnap" me and take me over to the hockey store he used to work at and get his skates sharpened by his friend!  It was cool, I've never been to a hockey store.  He's taken me to a lot of places that I have never been to before.  I think it was really cool, first it was the animal shelter, this time it was ice skating.

After the hockey store, we drove over to where the rink was.  It was the old Ice Palace, the Ducks had bought it out.  Since it still wasn't 3PM we sat in the car and I opened up to him about how I used to be insecure about my small boobs.  It started out with me asking for his opinion on plastic surgery.  He says that he is not a fan of it, but in certain circumstances where it's needed i.e: his brother got into an accident that caused third degree burns on 60% of his body.  He's a really nice guy, he also had a girlfriend that was self conscious about her boobs because his previous 2 girlfriends had pretty big boobs, and he told her not to worry about it and that he doesn't love her for her boobs or anything like that.  He's a really fucking nice guy... Jeez...... It's unbelievable!

Finally it was time to go into the rink.  He paid for admission and rental skates and everything.  I wanted to pay for half of it but he gave me a look and was like "put that away right now!". I'm still not used to not paying! I feel really bad...... Like a leech.

I was very nervous about going on the ice, I seriously didn't want to make a fool out of myself!!  But he made me feel very comfortable.  He also has really really quick reflex and would always catch me before I even really fell much.

His way of teaching me how to skate again was that he'd skate backwards and then have me hold his hands and push him backwards, skating forwards.  It really did help A LOT.  I was just like, "Can we just skate like this for the whole time? I don't feel safe otherwise!".  I didn't let him let me go and would whine when he was about to let me go.

After I got used to skating I guess we somehow winded up side by side.  I was still scared, and then I really don't know how it happened but I guess he held my hand.  At first it was going to be like the awkward couple type of holding hands where your fingers aren't intertwined together, but I fixed that, but adjusting my fingers and had intertwined it with him.  I also switched the hands in a way where my hand was on top.

He then said, "You were dominate in your last relationship, huh?"
Me: "YEAH! Oh wait, how did you know!?"
Ivan: "Because your hand is in the dominant position, on top of mine."
Me: "OH! Are you usually on top?"
Ivan: "Yeah."
Me:  "Okay! We can alternate".

Something along those lines...................

So we just held hands as we made rounds and talked around the rink.  Him holding my hand made me feel a lot more safe.  It also felt very strange hold another person's hand...... I've never really.... I dunno. He's the second guy I had ever held hands with.  And it wasn't even awkward either. How cool!

I asked him about why his previous relationships ended.  I think he was pretty sad talking about it.... Should I have not gone there?  I dunno, but it really is interesting to know why people's relationships end.

Gosh, he's so nice. Whenever he saw a little kid fall on the ice, he'd go and check to see if they're okay and he'd even give them tips on how to improve!  Man...... He is SO SO nice.  He is definitely husband material.  He'd make a really good family man, a really good husband.

He says that he's trying to think of "pure" thoughts. I asked what he meant by that. He says that he's trying to not check out girls in that perverse way. Thinking of thoughts towards people that he is not in the position to do so. Which is really fucking hard. I give him lots of respect and props for making an effort such as that though.

  

After ice skating he took me back to my car parked over at Paris Baguette.  We hugged.  I really like how unawkward our hugs are.  I'd let him hug me in his style (the steering style) and I'd hug him where my arms is around his torso, he felt it was weird hugging that way because he hugged around my shoulder area.  So I made it easier and put my arms around his neck and his around my waist.  That was a lot better! He smells good, wears cologne from Kenneth Cole.  I was walking somewhere and had smelled a guy that smelled similar to Ivan.  It was funny.

I kinda really wished that I gave him a peck on the cheek for being so sweet.

OH YEAH, a funny incident, so he looks at me and tells me that it was great hanging out with me today.  And I look at him and then push/hit him on his right shoulder area and was all like "YEAH!!" Ahaha. I just realized how fucking masculine that is, and then he reciprocates and does the same. THEN I had realized how manly that was....... Ahahaha, he's so cute.  Then I was like, "AHAHAHA.. *hug*"

I really do find him attractive.

I was looking around on fuckyeahazngirls.tumblr.com for good samples of "sexy posing".
Going to do a little self-shoot on Adam's request.

While browsing on FYAG, I stumbled upon this video of a girl poledancing.
It was one of the most beautiful and graceful thing I had ever seen......
She's dancing so gracefully, alone by herself.

It seems very lonely, but at the same time it is beautiful because of that.
It's a form of dance, an art! It's not trashy AT all.
Like what dirdybirdy says, "Pole dancing is not stripping and stripping is not pole dancing!"

I really do dislike people who just completely judge on the surface level of things.

I really want to go check out the S Factor classes!!
I'm going to try out the intro class and see whether or not I like it.
I'm sure I'd like it though.

I think this class will really help me out with my confidence and help me come out of my shell of being self-conscious of people watching what I do and criticizing me for looking weird or trying too hard.

I don't know why I care so much about what people view of me. I have this irrational fear of looking like I'm trying too hard.  It's embarrassing. Maybe it's because I look down on people who look like they're trying too hard.  Perhaps I need to STOP caring and STOP judging people.

Perhaps then, I will become more psychologically free.

OKAY DAN TAM. NEW SELF-IMPROVEMENT PROJECT FOR YOU:

STOP JUDGING PEOPLE.
DON'T LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE WHEN THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TOO HARD.

It's not bad to WANT to look like you're good at something or try and put effort into something you want to achieve.  It's NOT BAD AT ALL.  Just do it, and fuck whoever looks at you sideways. Just fuck it!! Why should you care anyway?  Are you trying to impress them? Why do they matter?  It's not like you're going to see them again.  All the people that you respect and love won't ever judge you, and those are the people that matter.  So fuck it all and JUST DO IT!!

Concentrate on what you're trying to do and don't bother even looking around to see if anyone else is there to scrutinize your actions.

You might look like a total tard at first but WHO DOESN'T when they first dip their feet into something new? IT'S OKAY.

WE ALL HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE AND WE ALL LOOK LIKE A RETARD STARTING AT THAT SOMEWHERE.  BUT WE WILL PROGRESS AND EVOLVE INTO SOMETHING LESS RETARDED AND MORE BEAUTIFUL.

PERSERVERANCE IS BEAUTIFUL!

Ivan called me today around an hour ago. We had a 12 minute convo on the phone........
He's one of the most hilarious persons I had ever met..... Jeez........
Seeing him on Friday?

What's sad is that I forgot what he looked like....... All I know is that he looks similar to Joseph Gordon Levitt...
But everytime I talk to him I fucking see Jeremy Ridn0r face from College Beats....... EEEEEK......
That makes me feel weird and I'm not even attracted to Jeremy.  I think he hates me too. OH shit just watched some of his videos on his vimeo......... Oh god now I can't stop thinking about what Ivan ACTUALLY looks like.

EEK! I have a final in 18 hours.
I really should get my ass to fucking sleep.
Will be waking up at 5AM today.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
GOOD NIGHT!!!

P.S: Is it wrong to be attracted to 2 people at once.............? I feel so wrong.............. Tell me it isn't wrong.

I just remembered something traumatizing from my dream last night.

I was kissing someone, and it was a fucking horrible.  They person was absolutely HORRIBLE at kissing.
OH shit, I remember who I kissed now, "T".

OH SHIT THAT IS SO FUCKING GROSS!! HE'S LIKE A BROTHER TO ME!!!

OH GOD AND THE KISS WAS SO HORRIBLY EXECUTED!!!!!! SO TERRIBLE!!!!!!
This makes me not want to kiss people......... That was a very traumatizing dream.

Just bought my ticket for Ajapai's show in L.A. this July.
SUPER FUCKING EXCITED FOR THAT!

I just wish........Adam was here to go with me too...

ADAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was the one that introduced me to Ajapai!!!!!!

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,

regardless of time, place, or circumstance.

The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.

- An ancient Chinese belief

Whether we end up together or not, in a romantic way or not.
I’ll always Love YOU and I’ll always Support YOU.
Adam Ta!
LFL= 1♥ 

________________________________________________________

Adam!

Tonight was the first time I mentioned you in a more public domain (my tumblr).
I was hesitant at first because Ida follows my tumblr, and....... I thought it was going to be really awkward if she finds out in this way......

But after a minute or two or three of contemplation I was like, MEH, dgaf, Ima post it anyway!

I'm pretty sure Alex still stalks my tumblr, so he'll know too, LOL actually, he probably already knows because I tagged you in my school girl profile picture on facebook.  Oh wait, Ida probably knows too.  Hm, oh wait, actually I'm not quite sure about the latter because I don't know how often people actually like at who's actually "tagged" in a photo unless there is more than 1 person in the photo.  But I do know for sure Alex would've noticed. Lulzy.

The facebook profile picture tagging is probably pretty obscure and vague.
So the tumblr post is confirmation for anyone with doubts.

Alrighty, it's time for me to wash up and go to sleep, I have to wake up early to study for my Poli Sci midterm.

I LOVE YOU!!!!

An Anomaly,

Initially I went out to B&N with Lily to help her find gluten free books and in the end after a short time spent with    gluten free... Then we gravitated towards the new age section ( I told her I wanted her to recommend me some kewl new age books). We spent around like 2 hours or so together at B&N, we were reading up our astrology (meaning behind our birthdays) and she talked about her former best friend that all of a sudden changed into a douche bag after joining a fraternity.  It was around 9:30PM and she had to go..... Sadness! Lily is so fun to hang out with!! She's a very interesting and eccentric person! I LOVE IT! Her hair was dirty and she was too tired to wash up (just came home from Montana) so she puts on her pink wig. SHE'S SO FUCKING DGAF AND ADORABLE!!! I LOVE IT!!!

So I spent the next hour or so by myself browsing the New Age section... Looking for small sized books (they're easier and much less intimidating to read so I will be more motivated to finishing them).  I quickly but surely scan from beginning to end of the new age section.  Every now and then I would pull out a book and skim through the insides of the book and read the back summary.  And occasionally if the book was good I would snap a photo of it with my phone's cam. It just so happens nearing the end of my stay at B&N I snapped one last book (Osho's How to Love with Awareness & Relate Without Fear [holy shit I just noticed how fucking weird that is..... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Honestly, I don't know if this is some kind of sign or what]) *KAH-CHHH* My phone makes a VERY loud camera shutter sound.  And then the guy nearby me browsing in the philosophy section on my far right hand side, pipes up, "Hahaha I do the same thing!" At first I thought it was just one of those random stranger comments that you'd blurt out of nowhere, and then it'd cease from there.  But then we somehow started talking....... Like actually full on converse. He tells me that he does the same thing (take photos of books) except that if he took pictures with his phone's cam and the shutter sound goes off he'd freak out and look around to see if anybody was looking. Then I told him I did do that the first time, but then I got used to it and proceeded to tell him how I couldn't mute my shutter sound, and told him how cellphones from Asia had phones where you CANNOT mute the cellphone cam's shutter because of the rampant perverts over there taking upskirt pictures of woman in bathroom stalls (realized that they more often do that in subways and trains also but I had forgotten to mention about it).  He then asks for my name. And then I thought it was going to end from there, but then we just started to talk.......... He asks me what book I was holding, and I was like *holds up and reads the title "Osho: Freedom" and then *shows him the book*. I didn't realize that I was standing pretty far away from him (until he said "I can't really see it") so I walked over to him to show him.  Then he talks about how when he used to work at Borders and there were a lot of customers that bought books from the author Osho mainly his book about Courage.

He's a really slick and smooth guy now that I look back on it.  He made me laugh a shit ton and has blantantly sarcastic humor. How he said that my name totally doesn't rhyme.  He's very animated and I really like that, I can tell he's not a inhibited normie (sorry don't want to sound condescending)....... He asked if I was an introvert or extrovert.... I told him how I am both.... But asked what I preferred more(?), then I told him that I act like an extrovert but I'm actually really in introvert inside. Then he said, "Yeah, this is an anomaly for me, I'm usually just standing in the corner right there keeping to myself". But hmm.... Not sure if he's just saying that or not, he seems way too slick and upfront.  Not like some shy nerdy dweeb that sits in the corner. He seems like he's very confident, but not in a cocky way.  He mentioned in between his sentences "sorry kinda forgot what I said because I'm standing near a pretty girl".  I don't think some shy nerd person would say something like that.

I dunno, we talked a bit and then before he THOUGHT he was going to leave for Starbucks he asked for my number. After I give him my number... He starts backing up.... and I'm like, "...Are you leaving?" (Because I honestly didn't know what he was doing..... He was kinda backing up and uhhh.... iono. I just needed confirmation, LOL). Then he was like, yeah, "I was going to go get coffee at Starbucks with Grant (his friend who I also met while we were talking).  Then Grant's like, "I don't drink coffee" LOL, and then Ivan was all, "OH.. Uh.... Tea?"  Now that I notice, he wasn't very slick at that part........ That whole scene wasn't very slick. But then he ended up saying, "Oh, well then, I guess I'm not going to Starbucks!"

Oh yeah, when Grant came up out of nowhere, Ivan introduced me to him and we shook hands (he had sweaty hands...).  Then I turned over to Ivan and was like, "Hey! I didn't get to shake hands with you yet, *shakes hands*" He says that I'm the first girl he met that has a firm handshake (lolwut). Then I tell him how I judge how confident people are when I shake their hands (firm handshakes = confident).  Then he told me how he read in this one book on how to NOT shake hands when you're being interviewed for a job and he demonstrated it on me. It was weird, I've never held hands with some random stranger for that long (it was like a minute, but that's fucking long when it comes to hand shaking).  But it was chill.

The part that I thought was pretty cute was when he was acting out how it'd go down when one of his supervisors at Borders would tell him to scold a person taking pictures of books (cuz it wasn't allowed). He said that his boss would tell him to go over to the people taking pictures of books and tell them to delete, but he really doesn't want to or like to do that. So he'd go up to them and say something along the lines of:  "Okay, now my boss is telling me to go over here and do my job. So pretend to look sad and that I'm reprimanding you or something. No really stop laughing!! Stop laughing!! You're making me look bad over here!! OKAY, DELETE THOSE PICTURES FROM YOUR CELLPHONE".

I loved how he integrated my laughing into his little impression. He's actually REALLY good at that. Acting the whole thing out and everything.... That's cool.

Then the B&N employee tells us that the second floor is closing and that we need to go downstairs.  Didn't know that B&N closed by sections.  While walking to the escalators he was all, "Huh, I guess it's better the employee tells us that they're closing the second level first, rather than just telling us to "GET THE FUCK OUT, GTFO, Ahahahahhaa".  When I look back on it, I think he was trying to test to see if I was deep into the net (ch4nz status[?]).

So we're going down the escalator and I turn around and tell him "Tell me more about yourself. Ahaha, sorry, I'm kind of a creep... Always asking people questions that are not usually asked....".  He was all like, "OH YEAH, same here don't worry about it".  Once we're down the escalator he says, "Well if you still want to continue talking, I'll be outside!"

Oh yeah, I forgot when he asked me this but he was all, "May I call you tomorrow?" To which I replied, "sure!"

Paid for my shit and then went outside to converse a bit more.  Him and Grant were arguing whether or not "zodiacal" was a real word. He told me about one of his quirky habits (pulling on his hairs whenever he reads). My quirky habit (poking my finger into shit and bending/breaking crap). Then he asked for a childhood story, I told him the head stuck in the stair case one.  He told me about how he when he was a kid he'd scrutinizingly stare at his brother (who's a darker skin color than him) and one day, went over to his mother and tugged on her dress and asked her "Mom........ Is Junior black?". LOL wow, he was just a small kid and could already differentiate/divide people. I blame the tv. But that was pretty fucking hilarious.

Ivan is dirty blonde([?] don't really remember clearly), mostly white and 1/8 Japanese.

Lol, just found his facebook.  Judging by his profile picture, he probably has an Asian fetish, there's an Asian girl next to him.

Dunno, he seems like an eccentric and knowledgeable person with an extensive vocabulary.  I'd like to get to know him more.

The whole time while I'm talking to Ivan, I'm thinking about Adam.......... Adam....... What would you think of me? I don't even know how you'd react to this.... But I'm hoping you'd be fine with me going out with other guys? I kinda feel like a whore..... But at the same time, I don't even know where we stand on this issue of whether or not it'd be okay to go out with other guys. Since you know, our relationship isn't the conventional "boyfriend + girlfriend" possessive type. I don't like that feeling and label.... The feeling of being somebody else's property... If you know what I mean? The feeling of being obligated to act a certain way.... Restraining myself from being flirtatious etc, etc. I'm confused! I remember you saying that your next relationship was going to be an open one.  I said the same too.  Not sure if you still feel that way.  But I still do..... I still don't have much experience when it comes to dating boys.... But yeah, what is your stance on this, love? I want to know how you feel about this. Tell me honestly how you feel about this!

Okay yeah, I was debating whether or not to send you this blog post of mine.  Then I remembered, "HAY, Adam and I are super best friends forever I refuse to hide shit from him!!!!!!" So yap, here I am........ about to send this letter out to you....

Lovie dearest of mine........ I hope none of this makes you feel sad or down or insecure or anything...

I hope you'll understand......

Know that you'll always be my #1! ♥

Note to self: Article to send to Ivan about anti pervert tech http://www.cracked.com/article_19051_6-new-anti-pervert-technologies-we-really-shouldnt-need_p2.html

This song......... I just want to.............

OH! We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we take it higher!!

I have the biggest urge to eat Native Nachos........ AWWW YEE...... Want to go over to Olive Pit and eat there too... I miss Adam. Can't wait to see him in a couple of hours. I'm kind of anxious though... Wondering how he reacted to my recent letters to him... Especially about Marc. I wonder how he feels about Marc?? I don't know...... I hope he doesn't feel insecure about Marc or anything.

I just realized while I was driving home from school today.  The type of relationship that Adam and I have... t's like a circle... I was thinking of what I wrote to him in my letter yesterday. Talkinga bout having doubts that we would "end".  I don't know wwhat the hell I'm talking about.  There won't be an "end" to this relationship we have.... We are open but endless... Or atleast that's how I feel on my part. I hope he feels the same.  We don't have to be "together" as in exclusively together.  I think we will always have each other. I LOVE what we have right now, I don't ever want it to end.  Friends are forever right? That's what I believe..... Except... WE are more than friends...... He is my Signficant 1!

In the end we might not end up together in THAT conventional sort of way.  But I really do hope we are how we are towards each other at the moment forever........ We don't need to exclusively together. I will always love him no matter what... We've shared so much of ourselves (mentally)..... I've never been so open, so honest and so real towards someone. Never ever ever ever. Oh, Adam! I hope you understand......

I love what we have! This unconventional relationship that we share!!

I'm currently in my underwear..... I can't sleep.. I want to sleep but at the same time I don't. I want to eat cereal... it's 3:49AM over here..... I wonder how you're doing... If you're able to sleep well tonight.... Hope you get my letter before I visit you this afternoon! I hope you understand..... Okie.

I LOVE YOU ADAM!!!

Time for me to go to sleep.

Gosh, I dunno. I've been feeling super anxious for the last half of today......
Just finally hit me that I've never really....done anything physically affectionate with Adam yet.....

At the moment, I just want him to come around my bed and slyly get upon it and slip behind me....His arms around my waist.... His face at the back of my neck... feeling his breath... his lips........ I won't be feeling any of that of that for a long while... But it will be worth it once the day comes.... It will be worth it. It's worth the wait.

The last hug I gave him at Motel 6....... It was the perfect hug................................

I've only hugged him 3 times.

First time was after I dropped him, Nathan and Ryan off at South Coast Plaza after L.A.
Before I left I stepped out of my car..... I was hesitant...... I faced towards him, a couple feet apart and opened my arms. "Hug?" I think he was surprised by my gesture... Ended up hugging Nathan and LOL white boy Ryan wanted a fucking hug too.

Second time was after he was done with writing 1.5 pages of my essay over at Motel 6.
We were sitting side by side on the table. Television to our left side. Door to our right side.
"Thankk you so muchh Adam!!!" I gave him a hug on his right side. A side hug.... He was the perfect height.
My arms fit around his waist perfectly and my face was not awkwardly buried into his arm or anything. I had room to breathe.

Third time. It was around 1AM, Adam walked me out to my truck from the motel room.  I really did want to give him a hug before I left but I was afraid he was going to prematurely leave me at my car before I could put down all of my stuff.  But he waited, as if expecting something more... I was relieved. As I set my shit down, I got out from my seat and turned around. My arms open once again and we hugged.  I held onto him longer this time, was hesitant about doing so initially but I ended up doing it anyway. It felt.......so.......good........ Not in a sexual way, but in a very..... blissfully melting way.

Just thinking about it over again makes my heart flutter..... Almost skipping a beat.
Adam.... I miss you....

Not sure if this even counts as a hug. But do you remember over at the motel when you were fooling around and tried to make gestures and tried to push me at getting my head near your.......you know what? But I kept on squirming and held onto your waist for dear life? I thought that was really cute....... Even though it was very piggish of you. I knew you were only joking... Well, you actually really did want it, but you'd never force me onto you like that. You're a gentleman.

Remember how I bent over to pick something up and you took the opportunity to slap my as?  Didn't react to it because I was pretending that it never happened. I secretly liked it though.

And then comes the second time around where I'm bent over again picking another thing up and you came and slapped it once more. But this time I acknowledge it and scold you, "ADAM!". You gave me a smirk and a mischievously amused chuckle quickly followed.  God damned you are so fucking sexy.

If I wasn't with Alex at the time, I would've pounced on your sexy self all the while traumatizing Nathan 4eVaHz. What is seen, cannot be UNSEEN.

I Love You Sweetie Cakey Cakez of Mine.
Miss you, miss you, really want to kiss you.

Your Signficant 1,

Dan Tam Pham

Okay, seriously now. I want to buy this soundtrack.
I would like to hang out with Lucy and listen to this soundtrack with her.
She'd really enjoy it........

Hans Zimmer, YOU NEVER CEASE TO FAIL ME WITH YOUR MIND BLOWING PIECES.

BRB GOING TO WATCH INCEPTION. (okay actually, I will watch tomorrow)

All of this will hold you
Down on to the ground until your crawling on the gravel like a regular guy.
All, all of this will hold you down on to the ground
Until your drowning in your sorrows with the a bottle of rye.

MY INTRO TO POLITICAL SCIENCE CLASS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING.

IT'S GETTING ME PUMPED UP AND REVVED UP TO THE FUCKING MAX ABOUT POLITICS.

I'M SUPER EXCITED. SUPER EXCITED. SUPER EXCITED!!!

I MUST MAKE HISTORY IN POLITICAL SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WANT TO MAKE AN IMPACT.

SO EXCITED.

ALSO MET A GIRL NAMED MICHELLE THAT IS ALSO INTO POLITICS.
WHILE SHE ACCOMPANIED ME AND WALKED ME TO MY CAR, WE HAD HEATED DISCUSSION ABOUT BP AND THEIR SCANDALIOUSNESS.
NOTE TO SELF: WATCH SPIKE LEE'S MOVIE ABOUT BP.
SHE WILL BE GIVING ME HER 90'S GANGSTAH RAP MIXTAPES TOMORROW (?). YAY!

SO HAPPY TODAY. NOW TO WRITE A BIT TO ADAM AND READ MY POLI SCI TEXT BOOK!
I WANT TO HIGHLIGHT IMPORTANT STUFF AND QUOTE TO ADAM BECAUSE HE WOULD LIKE TO LEARN ABOUT POLITICS ALSO.

I WISH HE WAS IN THIS CLASS WITH ME. WE COULD LEARN TOGETHER AND HAVE DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THE MATERIAL WE LEARNED AFTER CLASS THEN WE CAN MAKE SWEET LOVE AFTERWARD PASSIONATE POLITICAL DISCUSSION.......

Dan Tam.... STOP FANTASIZING. LOL. I SOUND LIKE A FUCKING CREEP.

Oh my god. I was just re looking at pictures of Alex on his little date/hangout with his friend Claire.

I kind of feel repulsed in a way.  That I had dated him.
And that breaks my heart for me feeling this way.
There was a time where I found him really attractive in that way.

It's as if my chemicals and hormones have completely rearranged itself.
And that I no longer find a person like you remotely attractive.
I'm sad that I feel this way........
I don't want to feel any kind of negative feelings towards you.
It hurts......

But I guess that's just how it's suppose to be.
We broke up because I was no longer attracted to you.
So it makes sense that I feel this way............

I will be cutting the cord connected between us soon........
It will hurt you for a bit, but it's for my own good and also your own good.

I reconnected with Thu again today. She's such an amazing and interesting person, I don't know why she takes her time to hang out with me.... I feel unworthy.... I wonder what she likes about me? I feel like I need to accomplish something significant or be involved with something interesting for her to remain interested in me as a friend..... I don't know.... I'm being too harsh on myself, again.

She gave me a lot of insight on my previous relationship with Alex. She also gave me a lot of insight on my relationship with Adam.  She really likes Adam so far, I'm so so SO HAPPY! I really do value her opinion.

Thu's and Cherry's opinions are the opinions that I value the MOST. I trust their judgement and advice.

Thu also performed a Reiki healing session on me today.  I have to say it was absolutely amazing. I felt amazing afterwards.  My head was very high for awhile and my observations skills had increased for a bit.  I saw Thu in a different light for awhile. A positive light.  I felt tingly magnetic sensations around my head and lower body and leg area while she was channeling positive energies into me.

Thu is SO cool! I REALLY want to get into this. I feel that this is all a sign pointing towards me going on a spiritual journey of finding inner soul and self and Enlightenment........ I've been pointed to this path a couple of times in the past but I've never gone through it.  But now I have two special people encouraging me onto a spiritual journey. Both Adam and Thu.

I feel my stress has dissipated... Not quite sure if it's a placebo effect or not. I don't think so.
I'm still experiencing feel good highs within my head.

Ahhh.... I cannot wait to learn more about Reiki. I want to learn how to perform this channeling of positive energy. I think it will really help Adam if I were to be able to do so.

Also, I'm excited to learn more about cutting the cord.  Will be doing so with my parents and Alex.

My mother needs to let me go and learn to let me make my own choices and learn from my own mistakes (if I ever make any).  She needs to know that she can't always be there to protect me and needs to let me fly out of her nest.  It is time to let go mom......

As for Alex, he needs to learn how to heal himself without my energies helping him out.  He needs to get through this on my own. I can no longer be his emotional crutch.  He needs to learn this.  He will grow out of this.

Today letter from Adam... It had made me cry... I was so touched. I felt so loved. I felt so special.
Adam makes me feel so good about myself. He makes me feel great mentally and physically.
I take all of his compliments to heart.

I have many people compliment me but I never really hear them or take them into much consideration or heart.  I feel as if they don't genuinely mean it and are only saying it just because they can.

I am usually a very skeptical person, especially when it comes to people telling me good and nice things about me.  But I take all of Adam's words to heart. I believe that he genuinely means everything he says.

Also, I feel the title "boyfriend" for you is offensive and very underrated.
You are more to me than a boyfriend. You are a significant other. A very significant other of mine.
When I hear the title of boyfriend, I think of a toy, a person to mess around with, with no future intentions.
You are MORE to that for me.

I see you as someone significant in my future, whatever position it may be. I want you in it and I see you in it.

We'll help each other grow.

Adam Ta
I Love You Sweetest, Dearest of Mine

You Beautiful Soul

I'm so fucking happy I received this GIANT surprise in my email inbox!!!! It came at a good time...... A much needed time, I think. DESTINY, is what it is!!!!

It was composed on Wednesday, May 19, 2010, to be sent on Thursday, May 19, 2011:

Dear Future Dan Tam,

How the fucking HELL are you doing?!?!

I hope you're on track of transferring!
You're still transferring to USC right? Better not be going to any retarded vocational schools.... They don't do much. All they are, are just for-profit highly expensive school that don't do much. Or do they...? Well whatever. Just don't choose that path.

What goals do you have at this moment anyway?

Well, go out and take a piece of paper and write your top 5 goals you wish to accomplish this year. Okay? Okay.

I hope you're not going to be lazy and partying all the damn time!
Parties aren't even that fun anyway.

I also hope you're not into any DRUGS. Especially HARD drugs.
They are completely unnecessary. Especially DRINKING.
Don't DRINK. And don't think getting all fucked up and drunk at parties is the cool thing to do. Because it's NOT.

Well, I hope you haven't closed yourself off to your friends or anything. It's one thing to concentrate on your studies... But don't push any of your good friends away from you. 

How's Ngoc and Cherry doing? I hope you're still SUPER good friends with them. They are really good people. Especially Ngoc. I hope they are all doing fine! Not doing anything detrimental to their health... I seriously hope Cherry isn't pregnant either. THE PROPHECY. She better not be!!! That would ruin her and her career!! Unless she's with some rich ass baby daddy. He could hire someone to help her take care of her kid. Other than that, NO. Bad idea.

Who are you best or good friends this year? You made a lot of good friends? You're not hanging around the bad crowd right?

Well anyway, are you still dating Alex? It would be yallz 3 year + 1 month today! I hope the relationship is doing swell. VERY SWELL! He taking care of you right? He's not into partying and not hanging around bad people right? Don't be a pushover! But at the same time, don't be mean or pushy towards him! That'd be hypocritical! Remember... Communication is the key to a GOOD relationship. Without that, the relationship will CRUMBLE. 

Anyway, if you aren't still with Alex... Who the hell are you with now?!?! I hope he is a good person. Better not be some manipulative freak that's only using you. I swear to God. I will come into your dreams and smack the PSYCHO BITCH out of you. 

How's mom and dad? I hope they are doing well! Be a good daughter and wash dishes and clean the house whenever you see it out of order. Don't be lazy. And be NICE to mommy. Don't yell at her. That's bad. And get to know more about dad! Talk to him more!

How's Gia Hoa doing? Does she have a boyfriend now? LOL wtf. I can't even imagine that. But yeah. I hope she chose a really good college! The college acceptance would've passed and you guys would get the notice by now. So hopefully it's not OCC!

Well, I hope you're doing good. Don't be depressed about life.
There is much to explore out there! Go on a trip to another country this year over the summer or something! DO IT! DO IT MOTHERFUCKER!!! Go on a trip with your good friends!! Mama BETTER let you go! You're freaking 19 by now!

Oh and remember to write yourself another letter and send it again to yourself next year! BE SURE TO DO IT!

This is pretty awesome. You're probably going to be shocked at the sight of this email. HA! Aren't these little surprises one of the most pleasant things to find/receive in life? I love it.

Love,
Your FREAK past you,

Dan Tam Pham

SO SEXY, IT MAKES ME ITCHY.
It also reminds me of Adam..........

For: 4D4MzZz T4

Tempted to drive home super fast so I can check the mailbox for your letter..............
But I really need to concentrate on my Chinese studies. I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING STUDY YET!!!
And it's 1:51PM!! I'VE BEEN A BAD BAD BAD GIRL..........

K, here's the rough plan:

2:00PM: Memorize Chapter 21 Characters.
3:00PM: Go home and check the mail.
3:30PM: Go back to Starbucks or somewhere.
4:00PM: Study Chapter 21 Grammar.
4:30PM: Memorize Chapter 22 Characters.
5:30PM: Study Chapter 22 Grammar.
6:00PM: Break
6:30PM: Chapter 22-3 homework.

I really want to fucking see Tokimonsta tomorrow...........................
But my friends don't want to.
Cherry is here this week and I want to spend as much time as I can with her!
BUT IT'S OKAY TOKIMONSTA.
I WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME YOU COME BACK DOWN HERE!!!!
Merge is going to be fucking fun though. I really don't want to see a certain someone there though... Ahem.

GOAL:
Seeing all of these talented young individuals are so fucking inspiring......
I WILL MAKE A NAME OUT OF MYSELF BEFORE I HIT 21!!
I don't have to be GIANT, I just want to have at least 50,000 people know who I am by then. 
I will build a base for myself...

Sex to these 2 songs.......... Oh my god. FUCK YEAH!!!! FUCK YEAH!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!

I met a cool girl named Mariha in Art110.
She's TOO cool to not keep in touch with!
And I usually don't "keep in touch" with people either.
You gotta be pretty special or interesting for me to keep in touch with.

YEEE! Can't wait to.........obtain stuff from the gallery.
She's gonna be mah partner in crime!
TOGETHER, WE WILL MEET EVA AND FRANCO ONE DAY!!
THEY ARE OUR MUSES AND INSPIRATION!!!

I just realized that I shouldn't hold back on things that I want to say and just to SAY IT.
And to not hesitate on doing something and just DO IT.
You never know what's going to happen..........

So glad I gave you that hug at Motel 6. It was so..... perfect...............

Sad that I didn't get to sing to you today, I WAS WAY TOO NERVOUS.
Also sad, that I wasn't able to show you the picture I drew for you.
I'm not very confident on my right brained side... Especially in front of YOU.
AH!!! I feel so inferior.... Cannot show you.............. Mah artz.........

It's so loud Inside my head

With words that I should have said!

As I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I can't take back the words I never said

I know the song doesn't have to do with relationships but I found the chorus to be very relate-able.  The political message within this song is fucking amazing though.  I have gained a newfound respect for Lupe.

ADAMMMMMMMM. I WANT YOU THE FUCK OUT ALREADY.

GRAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, I found out what true love really is.
When a straight guy still loves you even after he finds out you have a dick.

I'M SO FUCKING TOUCHED THAT YOU'D STILL LOVE ME EVEN IF I HAD A DICK (I DON'T HAVE A DICK, F.Y.I.). THAT IS TR000000 LUV RIGHT THERE!!!!!!! NO FUCKING JOKE!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to learn Latin with Adam!!
Dead languages............YEAH! It'd probably help with my English too, since English along with French, Spanish, Italian, and MOAR(!?!) is based on Latin.

AHAHHA, wow, I'm watching people speak in Latin on Youtube.
Currently watching a Latin Harvard Salutatory Address.
Just realized that we're going to sound like we're chanting fucking Harry Potter spells when we converse.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUCKING HILARIOUS!!

No one will know what we're talking about.......
IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!

WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS!!!!

I am in fucking LOVE with this song. IN LOVE WITH IT!!!!
Will be singing this to Adam when I visit him today.... I really fucking hope I don't flake out on my plans.

I WILL sing Empire Ants to Adam tomorrow! I WILL!!!!! It will be beautiful.  And he will love it.

Bahaha, just got home. Livin' it a little MOAR today, over at Adam's house with Cherry, Adam, and Casey!

Ahhhh!! I'm so fucking glad I got to bond and kick it with you all~ <3
Especially you Cherry!!!

I cherish our friendship and you've helped me through hard times........
Thank you for always being there for me and giving me AMAZING advice.
AHHHH! I FUCKING LOVE YOU BABEZZZZ!!!