An Anomaly,

Initially I went out to B&N with Lily to help her find gluten free books and in the end after a short time spent with    gluten free... Then we gravitated towards the new age section ( I told her I wanted her to recommend me some kewl new age books). We spent around like 2 hours or so together at B&N, we were reading up our astrology (meaning behind our birthdays) and she talked about her former best friend that all of a sudden changed into a douche bag after joining a fraternity.  It was around 9:30PM and she had to go..... Sadness! Lily is so fun to hang out with!! She's a very interesting and eccentric person! I LOVE IT! Her hair was dirty and she was too tired to wash up (just came home from Montana) so she puts on her pink wig. SHE'S SO FUCKING DGAF AND ADORABLE!!! I LOVE IT!!!

So I spent the next hour or so by myself browsing the New Age section... Looking for small sized books (they're easier and much less intimidating to read so I will be more motivated to finishing them).  I quickly but surely scan from beginning to end of the new age section.  Every now and then I would pull out a book and skim through the insides of the book and read the back summary.  And occasionally if the book was good I would snap a photo of it with my phone's cam. It just so happens nearing the end of my stay at B&N I snapped one last book (Osho's How to Love with Awareness & Relate Without Fear [holy shit I just noticed how fucking weird that is..... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Honestly, I don't know if this is some kind of sign or what]) *KAH-CHHH* My phone makes a VERY loud camera shutter sound.  And then the guy nearby me browsing in the philosophy section on my far right hand side, pipes up, "Hahaha I do the same thing!" At first I thought it was just one of those random stranger comments that you'd blurt out of nowhere, and then it'd cease from there.  But then we somehow started talking....... Like actually full on converse. He tells me that he does the same thing (take photos of books) except that if he took pictures with his phone's cam and the shutter sound goes off he'd freak out and look around to see if anybody was looking. Then I told him I did do that the first time, but then I got used to it and proceeded to tell him how I couldn't mute my shutter sound, and told him how cellphones from Asia had phones where you CANNOT mute the cellphone cam's shutter because of the rampant perverts over there taking upskirt pictures of woman in bathroom stalls (realized that they more often do that in subways and trains also but I had forgotten to mention about it).  He then asks for my name. And then I thought it was going to end from there, but then we just started to talk.......... He asks me what book I was holding, and I was like *holds up and reads the title "Osho: Freedom" and then *shows him the book*. I didn't realize that I was standing pretty far away from him (until he said "I can't really see it") so I walked over to him to show him.  Then he talks about how when he used to work at Borders and there were a lot of customers that bought books from the author Osho mainly his book about Courage.

He's a really slick and smooth guy now that I look back on it.  He made me laugh a shit ton and has blantantly sarcastic humor. How he said that my name totally doesn't rhyme.  He's very animated and I really like that, I can tell he's not a inhibited normie (sorry don't want to sound condescending)....... He asked if I was an introvert or extrovert.... I told him how I am both.... But asked what I preferred more(?), then I told him that I act like an extrovert but I'm actually really in introvert inside. Then he said, "Yeah, this is an anomaly for me, I'm usually just standing in the corner right there keeping to myself". But hmm.... Not sure if he's just saying that or not, he seems way too slick and upfront.  Not like some shy nerdy dweeb that sits in the corner. He seems like he's very confident, but not in a cocky way.  He mentioned in between his sentences "sorry kinda forgot what I said because I'm standing near a pretty girl".  I don't think some shy nerd person would say something like that.

I dunno, we talked a bit and then before he THOUGHT he was going to leave for Starbucks he asked for my number. After I give him my number... He starts backing up.... and I'm like, "...Are you leaving?" (Because I honestly didn't know what he was doing..... He was kinda backing up and uhhh.... iono. I just needed confirmation, LOL). Then he was like, yeah, "I was going to go get coffee at Starbucks with Grant (his friend who I also met while we were talking).  Then Grant's like, "I don't drink coffee" LOL, and then Ivan was all, "OH.. Uh.... Tea?"  Now that I notice, he wasn't very slick at that part........ That whole scene wasn't very slick. But then he ended up saying, "Oh, well then, I guess I'm not going to Starbucks!"

Oh yeah, when Grant came up out of nowhere, Ivan introduced me to him and we shook hands (he had sweaty hands...).  Then I turned over to Ivan and was like, "Hey! I didn't get to shake hands with you yet, *shakes hands*" He says that I'm the first girl he met that has a firm handshake (lolwut). Then I tell him how I judge how confident people are when I shake their hands (firm handshakes = confident).  Then he told me how he read in this one book on how to NOT shake hands when you're being interviewed for a job and he demonstrated it on me. It was weird, I've never held hands with some random stranger for that long (it was like a minute, but that's fucking long when it comes to hand shaking).  But it was chill.

The part that I thought was pretty cute was when he was acting out how it'd go down when one of his supervisors at Borders would tell him to scold a person taking pictures of books (cuz it wasn't allowed). He said that his boss would tell him to go over to the people taking pictures of books and tell them to delete, but he really doesn't want to or like to do that. So he'd go up to them and say something along the lines of:  "Okay, now my boss is telling me to go over here and do my job. So pretend to look sad and that I'm reprimanding you or something. No really stop laughing!! Stop laughing!! You're making me look bad over here!! OKAY, DELETE THOSE PICTURES FROM YOUR CELLPHONE".

I loved how he integrated my laughing into his little impression. He's actually REALLY good at that. Acting the whole thing out and everything.... That's cool.

Then the B&N employee tells us that the second floor is closing and that we need to go downstairs.  Didn't know that B&N closed by sections.  While walking to the escalators he was all, "Huh, I guess it's better the employee tells us that they're closing the second level first, rather than just telling us to "GET THE FUCK OUT, GTFO, Ahahahahhaa".  When I look back on it, I think he was trying to test to see if I was deep into the net (ch4nz status[?]).

So we're going down the escalator and I turn around and tell him "Tell me more about yourself. Ahaha, sorry, I'm kind of a creep... Always asking people questions that are not usually asked....".  He was all like, "OH YEAH, same here don't worry about it".  Once we're down the escalator he says, "Well if you still want to continue talking, I'll be outside!"

Oh yeah, I forgot when he asked me this but he was all, "May I call you tomorrow?" To which I replied, "sure!"

Paid for my shit and then went outside to converse a bit more.  Him and Grant were arguing whether or not "zodiacal" was a real word. He told me about one of his quirky habits (pulling on his hairs whenever he reads). My quirky habit (poking my finger into shit and bending/breaking crap). Then he asked for a childhood story, I told him the head stuck in the stair case one.  He told me about how he when he was a kid he'd scrutinizingly stare at his brother (who's a darker skin color than him) and one day, went over to his mother and tugged on her dress and asked her "Mom........ Is Junior black?". LOL wow, he was just a small kid and could already differentiate/divide people. I blame the tv. But that was pretty fucking hilarious.

Ivan is dirty blonde([?] don't really remember clearly), mostly white and 1/8 Japanese.

Lol, just found his facebook.  Judging by his profile picture, he probably has an Asian fetish, there's an Asian girl next to him.

Dunno, he seems like an eccentric and knowledgeable person with an extensive vocabulary.  I'd like to get to know him more.

The whole time while I'm talking to Ivan, I'm thinking about Adam.......... Adam....... What would you think of me? I don't even know how you'd react to this.... But I'm hoping you'd be fine with me going out with other guys? I kinda feel like a whore..... But at the same time, I don't even know where we stand on this issue of whether or not it'd be okay to go out with other guys. Since you know, our relationship isn't the conventional "boyfriend + girlfriend" possessive type. I don't like that feeling and label.... The feeling of being somebody else's property... If you know what I mean? The feeling of being obligated to act a certain way.... Restraining myself from being flirtatious etc, etc. I'm confused! I remember you saying that your next relationship was going to be an open one.  I said the same too.  Not sure if you still feel that way.  But I still do..... I still don't have much experience when it comes to dating boys.... But yeah, what is your stance on this, love? I want to know how you feel about this. Tell me honestly how you feel about this!

Okay yeah, I was debating whether or not to send you this blog post of mine.  Then I remembered, "HAY, Adam and I are super best friends forever I refuse to hide shit from him!!!!!!" So yap, here I am........ about to send this letter out to you....

Lovie dearest of mine........ I hope none of this makes you feel sad or down or insecure or anything...

I hope you'll understand......

Know that you'll always be my #1! ♥

Note to self: Article to send to Ivan about anti pervert tech http://www.cracked.com/article_19051_6-new-anti-pervert-technologies-we-really-shouldnt-need_p2.html

This song......... I just want to.............

OH! We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we take it higher!!

I have the biggest urge to eat Native Nachos........ AWWW YEE...... Want to go over to Olive Pit and eat there too... I miss Adam. Can't wait to see him in a couple of hours. I'm kind of anxious though... Wondering how he reacted to my recent letters to him... Especially about Marc. I wonder how he feels about Marc?? I don't know...... I hope he doesn't feel insecure about Marc or anything.

I just realized while I was driving home from school today.  The type of relationship that Adam and I have... t's like a circle... I was thinking of what I wrote to him in my letter yesterday. Talkinga bout having doubts that we would "end".  I don't know wwhat the hell I'm talking about.  There won't be an "end" to this relationship we have.... We are open but endless... Or atleast that's how I feel on my part. I hope he feels the same.  We don't have to be "together" as in exclusively together.  I think we will always have each other. I LOVE what we have right now, I don't ever want it to end.  Friends are forever right? That's what I believe..... Except... WE are more than friends...... He is my Signficant 1!

In the end we might not end up together in THAT conventional sort of way.  But I really do hope we are how we are towards each other at the moment forever........ We don't need to exclusively together. I will always love him no matter what... We've shared so much of ourselves (mentally)..... I've never been so open, so honest and so real towards someone. Never ever ever ever. Oh, Adam! I hope you understand......

I love what we have! This unconventional relationship that we share!!

I'm currently in my underwear..... I can't sleep.. I want to sleep but at the same time I don't. I want to eat cereal... it's 3:49AM over here..... I wonder how you're doing... If you're able to sleep well tonight.... Hope you get my letter before I visit you this afternoon! I hope you understand..... Okie.

I LOVE YOU ADAM!!!

Time for me to go to sleep.

Gosh, I dunno. I've been feeling super anxious for the last half of today......
Just finally hit me that I've never really....done anything physically affectionate with Adam yet.....

At the moment, I just want him to come around my bed and slyly get upon it and slip behind me....His arms around my waist.... His face at the back of my neck... feeling his breath... his lips........ I won't be feeling any of that of that for a long while... But it will be worth it once the day comes.... It will be worth it. It's worth the wait.

The last hug I gave him at Motel 6....... It was the perfect hug................................

I've only hugged him 3 times.

First time was after I dropped him, Nathan and Ryan off at South Coast Plaza after L.A.
Before I left I stepped out of my car..... I was hesitant...... I faced towards him, a couple feet apart and opened my arms. "Hug?" I think he was surprised by my gesture... Ended up hugging Nathan and LOL white boy Ryan wanted a fucking hug too.

Second time was after he was done with writing 1.5 pages of my essay over at Motel 6.
We were sitting side by side on the table. Television to our left side. Door to our right side.
"Thankk you so muchh Adam!!!" I gave him a hug on his right side. A side hug.... He was the perfect height.
My arms fit around his waist perfectly and my face was not awkwardly buried into his arm or anything. I had room to breathe.

Third time. It was around 1AM, Adam walked me out to my truck from the motel room.  I really did want to give him a hug before I left but I was afraid he was going to prematurely leave me at my car before I could put down all of my stuff.  But he waited, as if expecting something more... I was relieved. As I set my shit down, I got out from my seat and turned around. My arms open once again and we hugged.  I held onto him longer this time, was hesitant about doing so initially but I ended up doing it anyway. It felt.......so.......good........ Not in a sexual way, but in a very..... blissfully melting way.

Just thinking about it over again makes my heart flutter..... Almost skipping a beat.
Adam.... I miss you....

Not sure if this even counts as a hug. But do you remember over at the motel when you were fooling around and tried to make gestures and tried to push me at getting my head near your.......you know what? But I kept on squirming and held onto your waist for dear life? I thought that was really cute....... Even though it was very piggish of you. I knew you were only joking... Well, you actually really did want it, but you'd never force me onto you like that. You're a gentleman.

Remember how I bent over to pick something up and you took the opportunity to slap my as?  Didn't react to it because I was pretending that it never happened. I secretly liked it though.

And then comes the second time around where I'm bent over again picking another thing up and you came and slapped it once more. But this time I acknowledge it and scold you, "ADAM!". You gave me a smirk and a mischievously amused chuckle quickly followed.  God damned you are so fucking sexy.

If I wasn't with Alex at the time, I would've pounced on your sexy self all the while traumatizing Nathan 4eVaHz. What is seen, cannot be UNSEEN.

I Love You Sweetie Cakey Cakez of Mine.
Miss you, miss you, really want to kiss you.

Your Signficant 1,

Dan Tam Pham

Okay, seriously now. I want to buy this soundtrack.
I would like to hang out with Lucy and listen to this soundtrack with her.
She'd really enjoy it........

Hans Zimmer, YOU NEVER CEASE TO FAIL ME WITH YOUR MIND BLOWING PIECES.

BRB GOING TO WATCH INCEPTION. (okay actually, I will watch tomorrow)

All of this will hold you
Down on to the ground until your crawling on the gravel like a regular guy.
All, all of this will hold you down on to the ground
Until your drowning in your sorrows with the a bottle of rye.

MY INTRO TO POLITICAL SCIENCE CLASS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING.

IT'S GETTING ME PUMPED UP AND REVVED UP TO THE FUCKING MAX ABOUT POLITICS.

I'M SUPER EXCITED. SUPER EXCITED. SUPER EXCITED!!!

I MUST MAKE HISTORY IN POLITICAL SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WANT TO MAKE AN IMPACT.

SO EXCITED.

ALSO MET A GIRL NAMED MICHELLE THAT IS ALSO INTO POLITICS.
WHILE SHE ACCOMPANIED ME AND WALKED ME TO MY CAR, WE HAD HEATED DISCUSSION ABOUT BP AND THEIR SCANDALIOUSNESS.
NOTE TO SELF: WATCH SPIKE LEE'S MOVIE ABOUT BP.
SHE WILL BE GIVING ME HER 90'S GANGSTAH RAP MIXTAPES TOMORROW (?). YAY!

SO HAPPY TODAY. NOW TO WRITE A BIT TO ADAM AND READ MY POLI SCI TEXT BOOK!
I WANT TO HIGHLIGHT IMPORTANT STUFF AND QUOTE TO ADAM BECAUSE HE WOULD LIKE TO LEARN ABOUT POLITICS ALSO.

I WISH HE WAS IN THIS CLASS WITH ME. WE COULD LEARN TOGETHER AND HAVE DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THE MATERIAL WE LEARNED AFTER CLASS THEN WE CAN MAKE SWEET LOVE AFTERWARD PASSIONATE POLITICAL DISCUSSION.......

Dan Tam.... STOP FANTASIZING. LOL. I SOUND LIKE A FUCKING CREEP.

Oh my god. I was just re looking at pictures of Alex on his little date/hangout with his friend Claire.

I kind of feel repulsed in a way.  That I had dated him.
And that breaks my heart for me feeling this way.
There was a time where I found him really attractive in that way.

It's as if my chemicals and hormones have completely rearranged itself.
And that I no longer find a person like you remotely attractive.
I'm sad that I feel this way........
I don't want to feel any kind of negative feelings towards you.
It hurts......

But I guess that's just how it's suppose to be.
We broke up because I was no longer attracted to you.
So it makes sense that I feel this way............

I will be cutting the cord connected between us soon........
It will hurt you for a bit, but it's for my own good and also your own good.

I reconnected with Thu again today. She's such an amazing and interesting person, I don't know why she takes her time to hang out with me.... I feel unworthy.... I wonder what she likes about me? I feel like I need to accomplish something significant or be involved with something interesting for her to remain interested in me as a friend..... I don't know.... I'm being too harsh on myself, again.

She gave me a lot of insight on my previous relationship with Alex. She also gave me a lot of insight on my relationship with Adam.  She really likes Adam so far, I'm so so SO HAPPY! I really do value her opinion.

Thu's and Cherry's opinions are the opinions that I value the MOST. I trust their judgement and advice.

Thu also performed a Reiki healing session on me today.  I have to say it was absolutely amazing. I felt amazing afterwards.  My head was very high for awhile and my observations skills had increased for a bit.  I saw Thu in a different light for awhile. A positive light.  I felt tingly magnetic sensations around my head and lower body and leg area while she was channeling positive energies into me.

Thu is SO cool! I REALLY want to get into this. I feel that this is all a sign pointing towards me going on a spiritual journey of finding inner soul and self and Enlightenment........ I've been pointed to this path a couple of times in the past but I've never gone through it.  But now I have two special people encouraging me onto a spiritual journey. Both Adam and Thu.

I feel my stress has dissipated... Not quite sure if it's a placebo effect or not. I don't think so.
I'm still experiencing feel good highs within my head.

Ahhh.... I cannot wait to learn more about Reiki. I want to learn how to perform this channeling of positive energy. I think it will really help Adam if I were to be able to do so.

Also, I'm excited to learn more about cutting the cord.  Will be doing so with my parents and Alex.

My mother needs to let me go and learn to let me make my own choices and learn from my own mistakes (if I ever make any).  She needs to know that she can't always be there to protect me and needs to let me fly out of her nest.  It is time to let go mom......

As for Alex, he needs to learn how to heal himself without my energies helping him out.  He needs to get through this on my own. I can no longer be his emotional crutch.  He needs to learn this.  He will grow out of this.

Today letter from Adam... It had made me cry... I was so touched. I felt so loved. I felt so special.
Adam makes me feel so good about myself. He makes me feel great mentally and physically.
I take all of his compliments to heart.

I have many people compliment me but I never really hear them or take them into much consideration or heart.  I feel as if they don't genuinely mean it and are only saying it just because they can.

I am usually a very skeptical person, especially when it comes to people telling me good and nice things about me.  But I take all of Adam's words to heart. I believe that he genuinely means everything he says.

Also, I feel the title "boyfriend" for you is offensive and very underrated.
You are more to me than a boyfriend. You are a significant other. A very significant other of mine.
When I hear the title of boyfriend, I think of a toy, a person to mess around with, with no future intentions.
You are MORE to that for me.

I see you as someone significant in my future, whatever position it may be. I want you in it and I see you in it.

We'll help each other grow.

Adam Ta
I Love You Sweetest, Dearest of Mine

You Beautiful Soul

I'm so fucking happy I received this GIANT surprise in my email inbox!!!! It came at a good time...... A much needed time, I think. DESTINY, is what it is!!!!

It was composed on Wednesday, May 19, 2010, to be sent on Thursday, May 19, 2011:

Dear Future Dan Tam,

How the fucking HELL are you doing?!?!

I hope you're on track of transferring!
You're still transferring to USC right? Better not be going to any retarded vocational schools.... They don't do much. All they are, are just for-profit highly expensive school that don't do much. Or do they...? Well whatever. Just don't choose that path.

What goals do you have at this moment anyway?

Well, go out and take a piece of paper and write your top 5 goals you wish to accomplish this year. Okay? Okay.

I hope you're not going to be lazy and partying all the damn time!
Parties aren't even that fun anyway.

I also hope you're not into any DRUGS. Especially HARD drugs.
They are completely unnecessary. Especially DRINKING.
Don't DRINK. And don't think getting all fucked up and drunk at parties is the cool thing to do. Because it's NOT.

Well, I hope you haven't closed yourself off to your friends or anything. It's one thing to concentrate on your studies... But don't push any of your good friends away from you. 

How's Ngoc and Cherry doing? I hope you're still SUPER good friends with them. They are really good people. Especially Ngoc. I hope they are all doing fine! Not doing anything detrimental to their health... I seriously hope Cherry isn't pregnant either. THE PROPHECY. She better not be!!! That would ruin her and her career!! Unless she's with some rich ass baby daddy. He could hire someone to help her take care of her kid. Other than that, NO. Bad idea.

Who are you best or good friends this year? You made a lot of good friends? You're not hanging around the bad crowd right?

Well anyway, are you still dating Alex? It would be yallz 3 year + 1 month today! I hope the relationship is doing swell. VERY SWELL! He taking care of you right? He's not into partying and not hanging around bad people right? Don't be a pushover! But at the same time, don't be mean or pushy towards him! That'd be hypocritical! Remember... Communication is the key to a GOOD relationship. Without that, the relationship will CRUMBLE. 

Anyway, if you aren't still with Alex... Who the hell are you with now?!?! I hope he is a good person. Better not be some manipulative freak that's only using you. I swear to God. I will come into your dreams and smack the PSYCHO BITCH out of you. 

How's mom and dad? I hope they are doing well! Be a good daughter and wash dishes and clean the house whenever you see it out of order. Don't be lazy. And be NICE to mommy. Don't yell at her. That's bad. And get to know more about dad! Talk to him more!

How's Gia Hoa doing? Does she have a boyfriend now? LOL wtf. I can't even imagine that. But yeah. I hope she chose a really good college! The college acceptance would've passed and you guys would get the notice by now. So hopefully it's not OCC!

Well, I hope you're doing good. Don't be depressed about life.
There is much to explore out there! Go on a trip to another country this year over the summer or something! DO IT! DO IT MOTHERFUCKER!!! Go on a trip with your good friends!! Mama BETTER let you go! You're freaking 19 by now!

Oh and remember to write yourself another letter and send it again to yourself next year! BE SURE TO DO IT!

This is pretty awesome. You're probably going to be shocked at the sight of this email. HA! Aren't these little surprises one of the most pleasant things to find/receive in life? I love it.

Love,
Your FREAK past you,

Dan Tam Pham

SO SEXY, IT MAKES ME ITCHY.
It also reminds me of Adam..........

For: 4D4MzZz T4

Tempted to drive home super fast so I can check the mailbox for your letter..............
But I really need to concentrate on my Chinese studies. I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING STUDY YET!!!
And it's 1:51PM!! I'VE BEEN A BAD BAD BAD GIRL..........

K, here's the rough plan:

2:00PM: Memorize Chapter 21 Characters.
3:00PM: Go home and check the mail.
3:30PM: Go back to Starbucks or somewhere.
4:00PM: Study Chapter 21 Grammar.
4:30PM: Memorize Chapter 22 Characters.
5:30PM: Study Chapter 22 Grammar.
6:00PM: Break
6:30PM: Chapter 22-3 homework.

I really want to fucking see Tokimonsta tomorrow...........................
But my friends don't want to.
Cherry is here this week and I want to spend as much time as I can with her!
BUT IT'S OKAY TOKIMONSTA.
I WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME YOU COME BACK DOWN HERE!!!!
Merge is going to be fucking fun though. I really don't want to see a certain someone there though... Ahem.

GOAL:
Seeing all of these talented young individuals are so fucking inspiring......
I WILL MAKE A NAME OUT OF MYSELF BEFORE I HIT 21!!
I don't have to be GIANT, I just want to have at least 50,000 people know who I am by then. 
I will build a base for myself...

Sex to these 2 songs.......... Oh my god. FUCK YEAH!!!! FUCK YEAH!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!

I met a cool girl named Mariha in Art110.
She's TOO cool to not keep in touch with!
And I usually don't "keep in touch" with people either.
You gotta be pretty special or interesting for me to keep in touch with.

YEEE! Can't wait to.........obtain stuff from the gallery.
She's gonna be mah partner in crime!
TOGETHER, WE WILL MEET EVA AND FRANCO ONE DAY!!
THEY ARE OUR MUSES AND INSPIRATION!!!

I just realized that I shouldn't hold back on things that I want to say and just to SAY IT.
And to not hesitate on doing something and just DO IT.
You never know what's going to happen..........

So glad I gave you that hug at Motel 6. It was so..... perfect...............

Sad that I didn't get to sing to you today, I WAS WAY TOO NERVOUS.
Also sad, that I wasn't able to show you the picture I drew for you.
I'm not very confident on my right brained side... Especially in front of YOU.
AH!!! I feel so inferior.... Cannot show you.............. Mah artz.........

It's so loud Inside my head

With words that I should have said!

As I drown in my regrets

I can't take back the words I never said

I can't take back the words I never said

I know the song doesn't have to do with relationships but I found the chorus to be very relate-able.  The political message within this song is fucking amazing though.  I have gained a newfound respect for Lupe.

ADAMMMMMMMM. I WANT YOU THE FUCK OUT ALREADY.

GRAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, I found out what true love really is.
When a straight guy still loves you even after he finds out you have a dick.

I'M SO FUCKING TOUCHED THAT YOU'D STILL LOVE ME EVEN IF I HAD A DICK (I DON'T HAVE A DICK, F.Y.I.). THAT IS TR000000 LUV RIGHT THERE!!!!!!! NO FUCKING JOKE!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to learn Latin with Adam!!
Dead languages............YEAH! It'd probably help with my English too, since English along with French, Spanish, Italian, and MOAR(!?!) is based on Latin.

AHAHHA, wow, I'm watching people speak in Latin on Youtube.
Currently watching a Latin Harvard Salutatory Address.
Just realized that we're going to sound like we're chanting fucking Harry Potter spells when we converse.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUCKING HILARIOUS!!

No one will know what we're talking about.......
IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!

WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS!!!!

I am in fucking LOVE with this song. IN LOVE WITH IT!!!!
Will be singing this to Adam when I visit him today.... I really fucking hope I don't flake out on my plans.

I WILL sing Empire Ants to Adam tomorrow! I WILL!!!!! It will be beautiful.  And he will love it.

Bahaha, just got home. Livin' it a little MOAR today, over at Adam's house with Cherry, Adam, and Casey!

Ahhhh!! I'm so fucking glad I got to bond and kick it with you all~ <3
Especially you Cherry!!!

I cherish our friendship and you've helped me through hard times........
Thank you for always being there for me and giving me AMAZING advice.
AHHHH! I FUCKING LOVE YOU BABEZZZZ!!!

You say you despise wasting.........
Yet you contradict yourself and do it.

You say a lot of things.......... And continually contradict yourself.
I don't really know what to think of you.
Mixed feelings about you.

You complain a lot. But don't do anything to fix it.
It really bothers me....

You were intriguing, but not so intriguing to me anymore.

Growing up in a military involved environment I have seen the increase in the conditioning to violence that the American people have been put through. It makes me sad to know that there is no turning back now. War and conflict is now at a critical level with China now making serious militaristic gestures that are not being shown on American television. Blind To Reality is how I see the average American who have received a very basic and useless education in their childhood / teen years. I understand that most people do not have the time like I do to investigate the hard issues the world now faces. I read strictly non-fiction on a daily basis and sometimes I regret doing so for I now see the world as a hopeless game played on good people by wealthy heartless 'elites = selfish humans'. For this reason I have mentally and spiritually made a return to Christ and prayer.

Adam told me to go check out this song and the non-fiction that 6blocc reads on a daily basis (via private messages). I'm really diggin' the track.  Might go see him on June 1? He's playing down here again I believe, not quite sure where though.  But ima get down with you in my spirits Adam!

This description is very true.  Although I'm not quite sure about the whole China ordeal.  I need to do more research on that.  America's military is big enough to scare China... Or so I'm told.... We'll see.

Tutu babez is such a fucking amazing person............
I can't wait to hang out with this girl on Wednesday!
I feel that we are going to have a great time bonding...

Also, Reiki healing session. Fuck yeah!!! Excited for that also.
Now I'm getting interested in this.......subject of metaphysics.

I want to learn the ways of Reiki and heal Adam.
I think that would be really good for him!

We'll see! I have to go find a master.

   [00:20] OMGasdfALEX: Hi.
    [00:20] Briceratopss: Hola
    [00:21] OMGasdfALEX: I'm going to use your shoulder
    [00:21] OMGasdfALEX: As a tissue
    [00:21] OMGasdfALEX: If you don't mind
    [00:21] Briceratopss: That's totally fine
    [00:22] Briceratopss: If you need nything, just ask
    [00:22] OMGasdfALEX: Half of my brain tells me to move on.
    [00:23] OMGasdfALEX: Half of my brain tells me to die.
    [00:24] OMGasdfALEX: Tammie and I broke up.
    [00:24] OMGasdfALEX: I'm completely devastated.
    [00:25] OMGasdfALEX: I don't know what to do.
    [00:26] OMGasdfALEX: I'm supposed to look to my friends for support in such times.
    [00:27] OMGasdfALEX: And I really don't have many friends whom I would feel comfortable telling such things to.
    [00:27] OMGasdfALEX: If I don't move on I'll die.
    [00:27] OMGasdfALEX: How's that for a shocker?
    [00:28] Briceratopss: Well, what you two had was pretty intense
    [00:28] Briceratopss: ...wrong word, significant
    [00:29] OMGasdfALEX: She simply wants to see what else is out there.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: I have nothing to hide behind.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: As expected, my outlook for the future is bleak and barren.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: But my best friend was Tammie.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: I have like 4.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: Well, 3 now.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: 2 are asleep.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: And 1 is you.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: What's horrible is it was nothing I could control.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: And it was nothing I did wrong.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: It really is devastating, because I have nothing to blame.
    [00:30] Briceratopss: That sounds like the worst fate of all
    [00:31] Briceratopss: I don't know really what to say.
    [00:32] Briceratopss: I mean, I'm here for you, but I'm at a loss of words
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: What can you say?
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Cheer up? It'll heal with time?
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Listening helps more than anything.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: I don't need you to say anything important.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: The mere fact that someone will listen to my pain and empathize is a small relief.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Never saw it coming.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Major self-esteem blow.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: The works.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Thanks for listening.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: I'm going to get intoxicated and sleep now.    [00:20] Briceratopss: Hola
    [00:21] OMGasdfALEX: I'm going to use your shoulder
    [00:21] OMGasdfALEX: As a tissue
    [00:21] OMGasdfALEX: If you don't mind
    [00:21] Briceratopss: That's totally fine
    [00:22] Briceratopss: If you need nything, just ask
    [00:22] OMGasdfALEX: Half of my brain tells me to move on.
    [00:23] OMGasdfALEX: Half of my brain tells me to die.
    [00:24] OMGasdfALEX: Tammie and I broke up.
    [00:24] OMGasdfALEX: I'm completely devastated.
    [00:25] OMGasdfALEX: I don't know what to do.
    [00:26] OMGasdfALEX: I'm supposed to look to my friends for support in such times.
    [00:27] OMGasdfALEX: And I really don't have many friends whom I would feel comfortable telling such things to.
    [00:27] OMGasdfALEX: If I don't move on I'll die.
    [00:27] OMGasdfALEX: How's that for a shocker?
    [00:28] Briceratopss: Well, what you two had was pretty intense
    [00:28] Briceratopss: ...wrong word, significant
    [00:29] OMGasdfALEX: She simply wants to see what else is out there.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: I have nothing to hide behind.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: As expected, my outlook for the future is bleak and barren.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: But my best friend was Tammie.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: I have like 4.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: Well, 3 now.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: 2 are asleep.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: And 1 is you.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: What's horrible is it was nothing I could control.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: And it was nothing I did wrong.
    [00:30] OMGasdfALEX: It really is devastating, because I have nothing to blame.
    [00:30] Briceratopss: That sounds like the worst fate of all
    [00:31] Briceratopss: I don't know really what to say.
    [00:32] Briceratopss: I mean, I'm here for you, but I'm at a loss of words
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: What can you say?
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Cheer up? It'll heal with time?
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Listening helps more than anything.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: I don't need you to say anything important.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: The mere fact that someone will listen to my pain and empathize is a small relief.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Never saw it coming.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Major self-esteem blow.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: The works.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: Thanks for listening.
    [00:37] OMGasdfALEX: I'm going to get intoxicated and sleep now.

Ahhh........ You're doing well now. See? I'm happy for you! Please don't be sad.


 briceratopss 10:07 pm
    He spoke to me recently

 mindofxminus 10:07 pm
    how was he doing?

 briceratopss 10:07 pm
    Well, at first, not so well, but it seems he doesn't need me to listen so I can presume better

Adam: You like butterflies?
DT: I GUEEEESSS SO......
Adam: You like magic card tricks?
DT: Sure!!
Adam: Alright, I'm going to flip each card, one by one and you're going to tell me when to stop. You're going to remember the card alright? And wait for further instructions.
DT: *watches him flip each card one by one* STOP! *sees a red diamond of 2's* *memorizes*

AH FUCK IT! I'm just going to vlog this shit! I feel writing this shit down won't capture the moment as well.

I NEED TO EXPRESS IT THROUGH GESTURES AND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!!!!!!!

It will also give me reason to practice my editing skills if need be.

"But who can say what's best? That's why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives." - Haruki Murakami

Goodness!
You are so gross!
Stop trying to flirt with your idol's girlfriend!

But whatevz. It's not my business!

But that's not how you make friends......
You're coming off as creepy...
Or at least that's how it looks like from my 3rd person POV.

I hope I don't start hating you after awhile...
But I keep on looking back and seeing how stupid I was... for staying so long...

There were so many beliefs that we clashed upon that I would've never agreed with if I wasn't so... blind...  So many core values that I just completely don't agree with.  I stopped seeing a future together awhile ago.... That's why I decided to end it.  I didn't want to waste my time.  Why did YOU want to waste your time? You said so yourself that you didn't even see us in the future together.... It only makes me feel like you're only using me for your own selfish needs.  A cure/fix for your loneliness and monophobia....... You've always been selfish.  The majority of the time you only thought about yourself and always put yourself first before me.  I don't even remember a time you put me over you...... There was always some kind of underlying thing that benefited you in a way whenever you agreed to do something "my" way.  If there weren't any benefits, you wouldn't have ever agreed upon it.  Wow.... Just talking about this makes me really sad.

I don't ever want to be that blind again.
Sure you satisfied my physical needs, but my mental needs were never really stimulated or nurtured by you... I honestly would rather be mentally satisfied than physically satisfied any day.  Mental connection lasts forever.  It's not very hard to find a person that's good at the physical.

We were only together because of familiarity and my tolerance/adaptability.
I don't ever want to just "settle", ever again.

I'm a fucking great person. I deserve the best of the best.

I cannot begin to describe how great this is. 

OPEN AND FREE SOURCES FOR ALL.

This is the song I would listen to after every break up we had.......... Three in total.

It gives me this sense of comfort......
That everything will be okay.

Everything WILL be okay.

Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry.

Director: Ferry Gouw

Inspired by a song that combines bittersweet lyrics with uplifting electronic melodies, the video for Above & Beyond's 'Sun & Moon' focuses on the pain and release of a couple's break-up; showing that relationships live on forever in the memory.

With the video drawing its aesthetic cues from the legendary Northern Soul era, the lead male is seen re-living the relationship and the final breakdown through a series of emotive flash back scenes and some lonesome, drink and music fuelled longing.

Just as 'Sun & Moon' finds its release through its emphatic, riff-based breakdown, the lead recognises the song and finds his own peace of mind the only way he knows - by dancing. Through a set of skilfully twisted and visually arresting dance moves straight out of the Northern soul era - where sad love songs like 'Sun & Moon' fuelled a generation of late night dancers lost in lyrics. In doing so, he finds his freedom... in the moment.
________________________________________________________________________


Alex, why do you have to post this song and music video on your facebook? Music is my fucking weakness... I can't help but tear up a bit.  Stop it.  Now I'm going to forever see and think of you whenever I hear this song.  This is heart wrenching. I'm sorry..........

I'm not going to throw away or delete any of our pictures together.
I grew a lot from this relationship.
But it's time to move on to our next separated milestones.
I'm expecting to see a completely different person once I randomly bump into you on the streets.
A confident and genuinely happy person.

Don't rely on people for your happiness.
You are the only cure for your feelings of loneliness and depression.  
Not others.

I know you can do it.
I wish you the best of everything.

With much love,

Tammie

Love is darkness when you leave
undercover of the night
To find another place
underneath the morning light

Starting fresh with a new blog.  This feels a lot more personal..
It's going to be raw, no holding back.

Not sure if I'm going to openly share this blog to the public.
Whoever stumbles upon it, will stumble upon.
Gonna leave it to "destiny" for them to find it.

I've been feeling very happy and liberated these past few days.
It was one of the best decisions of my life.
I cannot remember the last time I was this happy and carefree.
Don't think I ever was, actually.
I've been a lot more open and straightforward these days.
Thanks to meeting Adam and Nathan.
I learned a lot from just a couple of days of watching how they roll.
They're the most liberated individuals I had ever met.
So much respect and admiration for that.

I'm a lot happier. I no longer feel inhibited to be a certain person.
I no longer feel obligated to act a certain way.
No longer have to hold back.
Just doing and saying whatever I want (almost).

I'm loving this so much.
I don't want to go back to feeling the way I used to feel.
And acting the way I used to act.
No more acting, just being.
Well, just a bit of acting, for survival and adaptation. Just a bit.
Not going to lose my identity though.
Take it or leave it!

Love me or hate me!

P.S: I'm so fucking grateful to have crossed paths with you Adam Ta. So fucking grateful.