An Anomaly,

Initially I went out to B&N with Lily to help her find gluten free books and in the end after a short time spent with    gluten free... Then we gravitated towards the new age section ( I told her I wanted her to recommend me some kewl new age books). We spent around like 2 hours or so together at B&N, we were reading up our astrology (meaning behind our birthdays) and she talked about her former best friend that all of a sudden changed into a douche bag after joining a fraternity.  It was around 9:30PM and she had to go..... Sadness! Lily is so fun to hang out with!! She's a very interesting and eccentric person! I LOVE IT! Her hair was dirty and she was too tired to wash up (just came home from Montana) so she puts on her pink wig. SHE'S SO FUCKING DGAF AND ADORABLE!!! I LOVE IT!!!

So I spent the next hour or so by myself browsing the New Age section... Looking for small sized books (they're easier and much less intimidating to read so I will be more motivated to finishing them).  I quickly but surely scan from beginning to end of the new age section.  Every now and then I would pull out a book and skim through the insides of the book and read the back summary.  And occasionally if the book was good I would snap a photo of it with my phone's cam. It just so happens nearing the end of my stay at B&N I snapped one last book (Osho's How to Love with Awareness & Relate Without Fear [holy shit I just noticed how fucking weird that is..... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Honestly, I don't know if this is some kind of sign or what]) *KAH-CHHH* My phone makes a VERY loud camera shutter sound.  And then the guy nearby me browsing in the philosophy section on my far right hand side, pipes up, "Hahaha I do the same thing!" At first I thought it was just one of those random stranger comments that you'd blurt out of nowhere, and then it'd cease from there.  But then we somehow started talking....... Like actually full on converse. He tells me that he does the same thing (take photos of books) except that if he took pictures with his phone's cam and the shutter sound goes off he'd freak out and look around to see if anybody was looking. Then I told him I did do that the first time, but then I got used to it and proceeded to tell him how I couldn't mute my shutter sound, and told him how cellphones from Asia had phones where you CANNOT mute the cellphone cam's shutter because of the rampant perverts over there taking upskirt pictures of woman in bathroom stalls (realized that they more often do that in subways and trains also but I had forgotten to mention about it).  He then asks for my name. And then I thought it was going to end from there, but then we just started to talk.......... He asks me what book I was holding, and I was like *holds up and reads the title "Osho: Freedom" and then *shows him the book*. I didn't realize that I was standing pretty far away from him (until he said "I can't really see it") so I walked over to him to show him.  Then he talks about how when he used to work at Borders and there were a lot of customers that bought books from the author Osho mainly his book about Courage.

He's a really slick and smooth guy now that I look back on it.  He made me laugh a shit ton and has blantantly sarcastic humor. How he said that my name totally doesn't rhyme.  He's very animated and I really like that, I can tell he's not a inhibited normie (sorry don't want to sound condescending)....... He asked if I was an introvert or extrovert.... I told him how I am both.... But asked what I preferred more(?), then I told him that I act like an extrovert but I'm actually really in introvert inside. Then he said, "Yeah, this is an anomaly for me, I'm usually just standing in the corner right there keeping to myself". But hmm.... Not sure if he's just saying that or not, he seems way too slick and upfront.  Not like some shy nerdy dweeb that sits in the corner. He seems like he's very confident, but not in a cocky way.  He mentioned in between his sentences "sorry kinda forgot what I said because I'm standing near a pretty girl".  I don't think some shy nerd person would say something like that.

I dunno, we talked a bit and then before he THOUGHT he was going to leave for Starbucks he asked for my number. After I give him my number... He starts backing up.... and I'm like, "...Are you leaving?" (Because I honestly didn't know what he was doing..... He was kinda backing up and uhhh.... iono. I just needed confirmation, LOL). Then he was like, yeah, "I was going to go get coffee at Starbucks with Grant (his friend who I also met while we were talking).  Then Grant's like, "I don't drink coffee" LOL, and then Ivan was all, "OH.. Uh.... Tea?"  Now that I notice, he wasn't very slick at that part........ That whole scene wasn't very slick. But then he ended up saying, "Oh, well then, I guess I'm not going to Starbucks!"

Oh yeah, when Grant came up out of nowhere, Ivan introduced me to him and we shook hands (he had sweaty hands...).  Then I turned over to Ivan and was like, "Hey! I didn't get to shake hands with you yet, *shakes hands*" He says that I'm the first girl he met that has a firm handshake (lolwut). Then I tell him how I judge how confident people are when I shake their hands (firm handshakes = confident).  Then he told me how he read in this one book on how to NOT shake hands when you're being interviewed for a job and he demonstrated it on me. It was weird, I've never held hands with some random stranger for that long (it was like a minute, but that's fucking long when it comes to hand shaking).  But it was chill.

The part that I thought was pretty cute was when he was acting out how it'd go down when one of his supervisors at Borders would tell him to scold a person taking pictures of books (cuz it wasn't allowed). He said that his boss would tell him to go over to the people taking pictures of books and tell them to delete, but he really doesn't want to or like to do that. So he'd go up to them and say something along the lines of:  "Okay, now my boss is telling me to go over here and do my job. So pretend to look sad and that I'm reprimanding you or something. No really stop laughing!! Stop laughing!! You're making me look bad over here!! OKAY, DELETE THOSE PICTURES FROM YOUR CELLPHONE".

I loved how he integrated my laughing into his little impression. He's actually REALLY good at that. Acting the whole thing out and everything.... That's cool.

Then the B&N employee tells us that the second floor is closing and that we need to go downstairs.  Didn't know that B&N closed by sections.  While walking to the escalators he was all, "Huh, I guess it's better the employee tells us that they're closing the second level first, rather than just telling us to "GET THE FUCK OUT, GTFO, Ahahahahhaa".  When I look back on it, I think he was trying to test to see if I was deep into the net (ch4nz status[?]).

So we're going down the escalator and I turn around and tell him "Tell me more about yourself. Ahaha, sorry, I'm kind of a creep... Always asking people questions that are not usually asked....".  He was all like, "OH YEAH, same here don't worry about it".  Once we're down the escalator he says, "Well if you still want to continue talking, I'll be outside!"

Oh yeah, I forgot when he asked me this but he was all, "May I call you tomorrow?" To which I replied, "sure!"

Paid for my shit and then went outside to converse a bit more.  Him and Grant were arguing whether or not "zodiacal" was a real word. He told me about one of his quirky habits (pulling on his hairs whenever he reads). My quirky habit (poking my finger into shit and bending/breaking crap). Then he asked for a childhood story, I told him the head stuck in the stair case one.  He told me about how he when he was a kid he'd scrutinizingly stare at his brother (who's a darker skin color than him) and one day, went over to his mother and tugged on her dress and asked her "Mom........ Is Junior black?". LOL wow, he was just a small kid and could already differentiate/divide people. I blame the tv. But that was pretty fucking hilarious.

Ivan is dirty blonde([?] don't really remember clearly), mostly white and 1/8 Japanese.

Lol, just found his facebook.  Judging by his profile picture, he probably has an Asian fetish, there's an Asian girl next to him.

Dunno, he seems like an eccentric and knowledgeable person with an extensive vocabulary.  I'd like to get to know him more.

The whole time while I'm talking to Ivan, I'm thinking about Adam.......... Adam....... What would you think of me? I don't even know how you'd react to this.... But I'm hoping you'd be fine with me going out with other guys? I kinda feel like a whore..... But at the same time, I don't even know where we stand on this issue of whether or not it'd be okay to go out with other guys. Since you know, our relationship isn't the conventional "boyfriend + girlfriend" possessive type. I don't like that feeling and label.... The feeling of being somebody else's property... If you know what I mean? The feeling of being obligated to act a certain way.... Restraining myself from being flirtatious etc, etc. I'm confused! I remember you saying that your next relationship was going to be an open one.  I said the same too.  Not sure if you still feel that way.  But I still do..... I still don't have much experience when it comes to dating boys.... But yeah, what is your stance on this, love? I want to know how you feel about this. Tell me honestly how you feel about this!

Okay yeah, I was debating whether or not to send you this blog post of mine.  Then I remembered, "HAY, Adam and I are super best friends forever I refuse to hide shit from him!!!!!!" So yap, here I am........ about to send this letter out to you....

Lovie dearest of mine........ I hope none of this makes you feel sad or down or insecure or anything...

I hope you'll understand......

Know that you'll always be my #1! ♥

Note to self: Article to send to Ivan about anti pervert tech http://www.cracked.com/article_19051_6-new-anti-pervert-technologies-we-really-shouldnt-need_p2.html

This song......... I just want to.............

OH! We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue, and then we take it higher!!

I have the biggest urge to eat Native Nachos........ AWWW YEE...... Want to go over to Olive Pit and eat there too... I miss Adam. Can't wait to see him in a couple of hours. I'm kind of anxious though... Wondering how he reacted to my recent letters to him... Especially about Marc. I wonder how he feels about Marc?? I don't know...... I hope he doesn't feel insecure about Marc or anything.

I just realized while I was driving home from school today.  The type of relationship that Adam and I have... t's like a circle... I was thinking of what I wrote to him in my letter yesterday. Talkinga bout having doubts that we would "end".  I don't know wwhat the hell I'm talking about.  There won't be an "end" to this relationship we have.... We are open but endless... Or atleast that's how I feel on my part. I hope he feels the same.  We don't have to be "together" as in exclusively together.  I think we will always have each other. I LOVE what we have right now, I don't ever want it to end.  Friends are forever right? That's what I believe..... Except... WE are more than friends...... He is my Signficant 1!

In the end we might not end up together in THAT conventional sort of way.  But I really do hope we are how we are towards each other at the moment forever........ We don't need to exclusively together. I will always love him no matter what... We've shared so much of ourselves (mentally)..... I've never been so open, so honest and so real towards someone. Never ever ever ever. Oh, Adam! I hope you understand......

I love what we have! This unconventional relationship that we share!!

I'm currently in my underwear..... I can't sleep.. I want to sleep but at the same time I don't. I want to eat cereal... it's 3:49AM over here..... I wonder how you're doing... If you're able to sleep well tonight.... Hope you get my letter before I visit you this afternoon! I hope you understand..... Okie.

I LOVE YOU ADAM!!!

Time for me to go to sleep.

Gosh, I dunno. I've been feeling super anxious for the last half of today......
Just finally hit me that I've never really....done anything physically affectionate with Adam yet.....

At the moment, I just want him to come around my bed and slyly get upon it and slip behind me....His arms around my waist.... His face at the back of my neck... feeling his breath... his lips........ I won't be feeling any of that of that for a long while... But it will be worth it once the day comes.... It will be worth it. It's worth the wait.

The last hug I gave him at Motel 6....... It was the perfect hug................................

I've only hugged him 3 times.

First time was after I dropped him, Nathan and Ryan off at South Coast Plaza after L.A.
Before I left I stepped out of my car..... I was hesitant...... I faced towards him, a couple feet apart and opened my arms. "Hug?" I think he was surprised by my gesture... Ended up hugging Nathan and LOL white boy Ryan wanted a fucking hug too.

Second time was after he was done with writing 1.5 pages of my essay over at Motel 6.
We were sitting side by side on the table. Television to our left side. Door to our right side.
"Thankk you so muchh Adam!!!" I gave him a hug on his right side. A side hug.... He was the perfect height.
My arms fit around his waist perfectly and my face was not awkwardly buried into his arm or anything. I had room to breathe.

Third time. It was around 1AM, Adam walked me out to my truck from the motel room.  I really did want to give him a hug before I left but I was afraid he was going to prematurely leave me at my car before I could put down all of my stuff.  But he waited, as if expecting something more... I was relieved. As I set my shit down, I got out from my seat and turned around. My arms open once again and we hugged.  I held onto him longer this time, was hesitant about doing so initially but I ended up doing it anyway. It felt.......so.......good........ Not in a sexual way, but in a very..... blissfully melting way.

Just thinking about it over again makes my heart flutter..... Almost skipping a beat.
Adam.... I miss you....

Not sure if this even counts as a hug. But do you remember over at the motel when you were fooling around and tried to make gestures and tried to push me at getting my head near your.......you know what? But I kept on squirming and held onto your waist for dear life? I thought that was really cute....... Even though it was very piggish of you. I knew you were only joking... Well, you actually really did want it, but you'd never force me onto you like that. You're a gentleman.

Remember how I bent over to pick something up and you took the opportunity to slap my as?  Didn't react to it because I was pretending that it never happened. I secretly liked it though.

And then comes the second time around where I'm bent over again picking another thing up and you came and slapped it once more. But this time I acknowledge it and scold you, "ADAM!". You gave me a smirk and a mischievously amused chuckle quickly followed.  God damned you are so fucking sexy.

If I wasn't with Alex at the time, I would've pounced on your sexy self all the while traumatizing Nathan 4eVaHz. What is seen, cannot be UNSEEN.

I Love You Sweetie Cakey Cakez of Mine.
Miss you, miss you, really want to kiss you.

Your Signficant 1,

Dan Tam Pham

Okay, seriously now. I want to buy this soundtrack.
I would like to hang out with Lucy and listen to this soundtrack with her.
She'd really enjoy it........

Hans Zimmer, YOU NEVER CEASE TO FAIL ME WITH YOUR MIND BLOWING PIECES.

BRB GOING TO WATCH INCEPTION. (okay actually, I will watch tomorrow)

All of this will hold you
Down on to the ground until your crawling on the gravel like a regular guy.
All, all of this will hold you down on to the ground
Until your drowning in your sorrows with the a bottle of rye.

MY INTRO TO POLITICAL SCIENCE CLASS IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AMAZING.

IT'S GETTING ME PUMPED UP AND REVVED UP TO THE FUCKING MAX ABOUT POLITICS.

I'M SUPER EXCITED. SUPER EXCITED. SUPER EXCITED!!!

I MUST MAKE HISTORY IN POLITICAL SCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WANT TO MAKE AN IMPACT.

SO EXCITED.

ALSO MET A GIRL NAMED MICHELLE THAT IS ALSO INTO POLITICS.
WHILE SHE ACCOMPANIED ME AND WALKED ME TO MY CAR, WE HAD HEATED DISCUSSION ABOUT BP AND THEIR SCANDALIOUSNESS.
NOTE TO SELF: WATCH SPIKE LEE'S MOVIE ABOUT BP.
SHE WILL BE GIVING ME HER 90'S GANGSTAH RAP MIXTAPES TOMORROW (?). YAY!

SO HAPPY TODAY. NOW TO WRITE A BIT TO ADAM AND READ MY POLI SCI TEXT BOOK!
I WANT TO HIGHLIGHT IMPORTANT STUFF AND QUOTE TO ADAM BECAUSE HE WOULD LIKE TO LEARN ABOUT POLITICS ALSO.

I WISH HE WAS IN THIS CLASS WITH ME. WE COULD LEARN TOGETHER AND HAVE DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THE MATERIAL WE LEARNED AFTER CLASS THEN WE CAN MAKE SWEET LOVE AFTERWARD PASSIONATE POLITICAL DISCUSSION.......

Dan Tam.... STOP FANTASIZING. LOL. I SOUND LIKE A FUCKING CREEP.

Oh my god. I was just re looking at pictures of Alex on his little date/hangout with his friend Claire.

I kind of feel repulsed in a way.  That I had dated him.
And that breaks my heart for me feeling this way.
There was a time where I found him really attractive in that way.

It's as if my chemicals and hormones have completely rearranged itself.
And that I no longer find a person like you remotely attractive.
I'm sad that I feel this way........
I don't want to feel any kind of negative feelings towards you.
It hurts......

But I guess that's just how it's suppose to be.
We broke up because I was no longer attracted to you.
So it makes sense that I feel this way............

I will be cutting the cord connected between us soon........
It will hurt you for a bit, but it's for my own good and also your own good.